2000 anniversary special

If you look at the little counter on the bottom of this website, you will see that it reads some # above 2000. I have to say, that I never expected that this website would attract this many readers and would last this long. Like most things I have done in life, I figured it would last for about 3 weeks. But somehow, I keep going, and you guys keep reading, and the feedback I get is great. I want to thank everyone who reads this, and I would like to reward you right now with a very personal story.

Nothing is more fun for people, then when something completely embarrassing happens to someone, and everyone else can laugh at them. So I will now discuss the single most embarrasing moment of my life, and you can all laugh at my expense. Again, I wont do this often, but you all deserve this...

It was a time of simplicity and innocence for us in the first grade in HANC. It was before the desks were seperated and we still got to sit at co-ed tables in the class, and you could whisper things to the people around you and hope that the teacher didnt hear. This was considered to be living on the edge. I would pass the time by picking my nose, and trying to do it so that none of the girls at my table would see me. In this regard, not much has changed. I had a set of teachers we had cleverly nicknamed "THE GRUESOME TWOSOME". I think this name came from a ghostbusters character who was a monster with 2 heads, although i could be making that up completely. I am almost sure I had a figure of this monster, but I don't remember ever seeing such a monster in the classic Ghostbuster movies. The discrepancy between the movie and the action figures is quite puzzling, especially in regards to Slimer (or Sliymer??). Slimer the action figure, along with the other "ghosts" are meant to be frightening creatures, yet Slimer is depicted as a friendly and goofy ghost in the movie. And this gruseome twosome 2-headed monster is not even in the movie at all. Anddd the movie has a black guy as one of the ghostbusters!! In any event, this nickname was not exactly accurate for these teachers, because they were actually 2 seperate monstrous women, and not one monstrous woman with two heads.

Anyway, one half of the gruesome twosome had a brilliant idea: She loved coffee and decided to brew her own in the corner of the classroom. Lets see here...1st grade kids who are hyperactive and like to run around the class. A good idea would be to put a pot of boiling liquid in the corner and see what happens. Brilliant! So let me tell you what happened. I dont remember the exact details, but I was running around the room, and i tripped on the plug to this coffee pot, and somehow the entire pot of coffee ended up on my pants. Now...this is bad enough, in that I had burning hot liquid on my legs and other areas. But the punishment was not over. The teacher decided that it would be a good idea to strip me of these pants immedietly, and in front of all the females in the room. After all, I was in first grade, so I guess I had no right to privacy of any sort.

The real problem of course was that I was wearing my mickey mouse underwear that day. You see, I didn't get the memo in kindergarden that we werent supposed to wear cartoon underwear anymore. Well, there I was standing in a drenched pair of mickey mouse underwear in front of an entire class. I still do not understand why I was stripped of my pants in the classroom. Did Gruesome Twosome think that this was a major emergency, and I couldn't just walk to the bathroom and change there???? Whatever the reason, this was social suicide. For the rest of my life, I have had a problem approaching girls b/c of this. I always am insecure and think that they are one of the girls that saw me standing there in my mickey mouse underwear.

So for all of you out there who think that you have had something embarrasing happen to you, or who have social anxiety at times, just remember this story. Remember it and be happy it never happened to you. When you thank G-d for all you have, throw in this line. "Thank you G-d, for not having me stripped down to my mickey mouse underwear in front of the entire class". GN and keep reading.

don't be shy

Last chance to get some purim torah before your seudah. I'll email you, at no cost. Just send me an email at fade316@yahoo.com requesting it.

PURIM SAMEACH

Purim Night

So I hope everyone is having a very happy and meaningful Purim. I traveled back to NY and was able to attend the YU chagiga which has really become "the place to be". But before I discuss that, let me fill you in on the events of Taanit Esther and Purim night that eventually found me dancing in YU with my Mom's fur coat on.

I usually have no problem with fast days, but I knew Taanit Esther was gonna be a bad one. First, I would have to sit through 3 law school classes without my daily does of coffee from Dunkin Donuts. The ladies who make this coffee should be honored at some kind of dinner for the simpletons. They are all of Asian dissent, and are amazing workers, just like all the Asians in my class, except they are all going to be wealthy instead of working at Dunkin Donuts. Anyway, these asian women are like robots behind the counter. I have learnt their secret asian robot language and to order I simply say "medium Ice..cream and sugar" and they know how to interpret it exactly. And what gives Dunkin Donuts the edge over Starbucks is not only its price, but also that I understand what I am actually ordering. Medium Iced Coffee means exactly that, and I dont have to order a Mochha Froccha Latte, and then put the sugar and milk in myself. Why is life so complicated??? Anyway, without my cherished coffee I knew this would be tough.

But I almost made it through everything in Philly today, untill right before i was set to depart for the road. Feeling weary and hungry, I went to my car, only to find an officer writing me a ticket for a parking violation. I had not put money in the meter b/c it said "out of order" when I parked there, so i figured I could get a nice free space. Wrong, instead I got a nice 20$ space. I'm not sure why I felt the need to discuss this, being that it is very uninteresting.

Lets get back on track with Purim. I went to Megillah reading in a house, kind of like a break-away megillah reading where they have a nice assortment of food for everyone to stuff themselves with after the Megillah. This all sounds very pleasent, except for the awkward crowd that gathers here. You see, when my parents moved into west hempstead a long time ago, they were friends with all these people. However, as time has passed, and we have moved to the "other side" of town, we no longer really talk to these people at all. Not saying anything is wrong with them at all, just that things have changed. But somehow, and I really dont get this at all, we always end up reading Megillah with them at this house. Can anyone make sense of this? You stop being friends with people, yet you gather around with them once a year to hear Esther and then eat alot of ziti. Very bizzare. But I got over it and mingled with some older women before departing.

And finally, decked in a fur hat and a fur coat, I arrived at YU at approximately 10 15 pm. Back in the day, the YU chagigah used to be in the beis medrash, and things were very different. It was much more "yeshivish" in that a girl could not be found in sight, and the smell was 10 times worse. YU has "mainstreamed" the chagigah now, and it was hopping. Here are the groups I found there. First you had the guys that came to dance, which included all kinds of guys, from Yeshivish guys, to drunk guys, to Yeshivish drunk guys. But then you also had the guys that came to scope out the ladies. And also, you had ladies who were scoping out the guys when they dance. The YU gym has a track around it that some strange people sometimes use, but tonight it was used for girls to stand around and watch as the guys went crazy in song and dance. When I realized the girls were watching, I shut my eyes and made very accentuated mouth motions to show that I was very spiritual and singing the words of each song. But then I realizedI was still wearing a ridiculus costume, and kind of gave up on the whole thing. OH, there was also the smoking group outside of YU, which I get a real kick out of, and I dont know why.

Now, at 1:30 am, I am home and completely sober. In previous years I have made the "rookie" mistake of drinking on purim night, and then having it impede my ability to drink wine at the seudah as we are supposed to. Tonight, i played it sober, and left the party early. All I can say, is it better pay off at the Seudah tommorow, b/c now I am going to watch the movie "the notebook" instead of staying and dancing. GN and PURIM SAMEACH.

words on purim available via email

A few of you (very few) have asked about divrei torah/words/rants whatever u want to call it for Purim. I will not be posting any of that on the site, but I am composing a rather long piece that I think should be discussed at the Purim Seudah. So, if anyone wants a very rough draft of this discussion, there are 3 ways to get it.
1) email me at fade316@yahoo.com
2) post a comment on this site w/ ur email
3) IM me ur email address @ misterlyde99

I should just note that the piece is serious, and sometimes a bit intense. Just fair warning.

Janice

This weekend left me plenty of time to think which is never ever a good thing. In any event, I began wondering how I became who I am today. What events in my youth made me crazy? Lets see...

One bizzare phase of my life centered around a woman named Janice. Janice, was a large african american woman who lived with us for a period of 4 years or so. Her official role was "house keeper", but she also served as my body guard and chef. I think I realized the raw power of Janice, when a neighbor's dog was chasing me one day. It chased me all the way to my door, when Janice suddenly appeared. Her voice boomed at the dog "What u think ur doing!!! You best be getting away from him!!! " The dog quickly retreated, as any smart animal would, and I was safe. But at the same time I had realized that I was in the care of a very frightening woman. If Janice made fishsticks, I felt compelled to eat all of them, even though that sometimes meant eating 48 in one sitting.

Janice also wore strange outfits, which only added to my fear. All those old clothes that we put in the basement to throw out or put in one of those clothing charity bins, somehow ended up on Janice. So sometimes I would see Janice walking around with one of my old winter hats from when I was 3 , you know, the kind that has the giant pom-pom on it. And she wore this hat even in the summer, making the whole thing very comical, yet disturbing.

The whole concept of having a housekeeper needs a bit of examination. First, we must distinguish between a housekeeper, and a cleaning lady. In essence, the housekeeper denotes a woman who actually lives in the house, and she is its keeper. This is strange, b/c my parents own the house, yet they have entrusted it and its keeping to an immigrant woman who wears strange hats. Also, I cannot recall if Janice had another place to go on weekends, or if she was always with us, even on the holy Sabbath. If so, what did she do on Sabbath? I know she didnt eat with us or anything, so did she just stay in our basement all day with nothing to do but play nintendo? Actually, that sounds pretty good. Another issue, is what happens when the housekeeper gets fired...where does she go? Is there some type of temporary housekeeper center for all these people untill they find another Jewish family to live with? If so, i bet that housekeeper center is very clean.

Anyway, a cleaning woman is just what the name suggests- she arrives, she cleans, she's a woman, she leaves. Kind of like a wife, except a wife doesnt leave. Some Jewish families have these cleaning woman once a week, some twice, and some everyday. There is also the "cleaning service" crew, which is usually 2 or 3 men who get out of a truck with a few giant vaccum cleaners and clean the entire house in 32 minutes. They are probably more efficient, but I'm guessing more expensive. I just wonder if non-Jews have the cleaning woman come in as well. Maybe its like bizzaro world, and they have Jewish cleaning woman only. Like maybe all our Grandmothers are secretly cleaning the houses of the non-jews, but they just don't tell us about it b/c we will feel bad. Yeahh....maybe. Have a good day.

Looking back at vacation

Ahh yes. I have returned from my vacation to the lovely confines of western philadelphia, where you can find plenty of african american folk. Now, a look back at the rest of my spring break and some of the highs (and lows).

This vacation definetly had it all. Day 1 was Universal Studios, and you can read about that on the previous rant. Day 2 sent me to Fort Lauderdale to a Mets spring training game, but I'm gonna ignore that for now, b/c I can think of only about 10 people who would wanna hear about it. So instead I will talk about the tail end of my spring break, which brought me an aufruf and a wedding. Yes, Mazel Tov to my dear friend and ex-roomate, Buddy or Bavi, and the wedding was great. But of course, it had its awkward moments for me.

Lets start with the aufruf, which took place in a hotel named the Saxony. This hotel confuses me b/c it was only occupied by people over 90 years old and us. I had some good fun in the lobby by yelling out "Bubbi!!" and seeing how many women turned their heads. But then one lady turned her head so suddenly, that she had to go to the hospital for a neck problem and I felt badly. So that was the end of that. But we youngsters tried to bring a renewed vibrance to this place, and I think we succeeded somewhat. We sang in the dining room with some random fat guy who was the mashgiach and chazan and everything all in one. We could not take over davening, however, which lasted a torturous 3 hours. It was a long haul that felt like Yom Kippur.

Shifting gears now towards the actual wedding which took place on sunday evening...I will skip my saturday night activities in south beach, but you can always discuss that with me privately if you are curious. Wedding was great...had it all- great food, great band, great friends reunited and dancing with arms around eachother. Really the kind of moments that you just love and make you smile non-stop. But the wedding also brought me two basic topics which I knew right away would make this RANT.

Firstly, a wedding like this always brings you the awkward encounter. You forget about it and don't think about who you may run into from your past. and then BOOM...it smacks you in the face. And so, I was enjoying myself at the shmorg and trying to figure out why they don't cut the deli into smaller pieces b/c its really hard to eat those big pieces w/out a knife, and then I saw a girl that I had once pursued from my past. It should be noted that she was not married or with any guy, so it wasn't at the highest level of awkwardness. Still, this is a girl I had tried to call a few times and go out with, and then given up on b/c she seemed very apathetic to my shinanigans. So the question I faced was how to go about doing this tonight. Should I take the high road and just walk over and go with..."hey, u remember me? how have u been?" Or should I maybe wait to see if she takes the initiative. Or should I just play the ignoring game, which I believe every girl sees right through. (They just know when you are lying...frustrating s) Anyway, you guessed it, I not only played the ignoring game, but also the "scurry away like the three stooges" game, anytime I got near her. I think she actually saw me running at one point. But anything goes in March Madness.

Secondly, I was minding my own business at dinner, when I encountered the terrible "PDA" or public display of affection. OK, I am not a fanatic who is going to push my religious views on anyone. If you wanna touch ur g/f or b/f, thats your business, but don't do it in front of me please. Especially if the two of you do not make an attractive couple. I should add that I am not anti all PDA. I think a hug when you see the person is fine, and a hand hold is fine as well. But the following is not fine and makes me want to vomit: 1) Sitting on lap. I'll get you a chair honey, please spare me. 2) The wing thing...not really sure how to describe this, but usually the guy gets behind the girl and grabs her arms and they sometimes make a weird wing motion like in Titanic. Its gay, don't do it in front of me please. 3) Making out. obviously. no explanation needed at this point. Furthermore, I must also acknowledge my disgust with couples who use openly affectionate terms in front of me. Don't call your g/f or b/f "honey", "sweetie", "baby", or anything else that makes you sound like an old married couple. No one wants to hear it.

In closing, I just want to wish everyone a happy Adar and an enjoyable March Madness. Remember, anything goes b/c its March Madness. GN

vacation report...live from FLORIDA

Its been awhile folks, but I have been on my vacation down south...and what a vacation it has been so far. Allow me to RANT to you about it.

The vacation started off a little slow, as my flight was delayed 9 hours. Luckily, my associate, Mr. Zanax, had access to the various clubs in the airport, where all the high-rollers hang out and conduct their business activities. So I pretended I was a business person and hung out with them for about 5 hours, but the delay was still unbearable. In any event, I arrived in Orlando sometime after 1 am, and the cab driver told us it would cost 50 bucks to get to the hotel. This clearly wasnt happening, so we spontaneously decided to rent a car. This was the second most spontaneous car moment of my life, ranked behind my decision to purchase a ford taurus on E-bay. Actually, this was the third most spontaneous car moment, also ranking behind the time my car spontaneously burst into flames on the Southern State Parkway. (shoutout to readers knolly and koegs). Back to the rental car; we got a compact which is for midgets, and had no idea how to get to the hotel. Luckily, a toll booth man knew the map of Orlando by heart (i used to think that expression was "by hard"...its such a strange expression) and we got to the hotel safe and sound at about 3:30 in the A.M.

DAY 1 was a rainy trip to Univeral Studios. We overslept and went to the late minyan in the east area of my room. This will be a continuing theme of the vacation. So a few tidbits about Universal for you. I was last there in 8th grade, and its amazing how much they have built since then. I remember my favorite ride being "back to the Future", but this time it seemed like one of the worst there. It just felt like i was watching a tv screen and being shaken around in a box. If you ever head out there, the top 5 rides are now...1)Mummy 2)Shrek 3)Incredible Hulk 4) Dueling Dragons 5) Spider Man. Its also amazing that every person in Orlando probably works in one of these theme parks. Imagine a social gathering of Orlandonians...or Orlando-ites...or something. It would go something like this:

Hey Frank, what do you do for a living? OH, I operate splash mountain, how bout urself, Rob? Well, I'm just a hand-stamper right now, but I'm hoping to one day operate the Jurassic Park ride.

Another strange thing about these parks is that they now sell an "express ticket" which allows you to cut the line, but now its completely legal. Luckily, it was pouring rain, and no one was at the park, so I didnt need to purchase this express pass. Additionally, the park encourages "single riders", ans allows them to cut the entire line as well. So basically, as long as you don't mind sitting next to a stranger on the ride, you can cut the whole line. Its unclear to me why anyone would not do this, unless they have a small kid who is afraid of the ride. I did it for the rides with long lines, and I sat next to some strange people, but who cares. A ride is 3 minutes, and your upside down and spinning in the dark for the majority of it. If you think about it carefully, wouldn't u rather be spun around in the dark next to a stranger, then next to a pal or family member??

Anyway, thats how Day 1 went. I'll discuss some other vacation highlights a little later. Enjoy your Second Adar.

spring break

I am in the midst of my first ever "spring break", and this is why I have not been able to write for a while. I am set to depart to Florida for an amazing trip, but have just recieved word from my associate, mr. zanax, that my flight has been delayed. Henceforth, (always wanted to use that word instead of "therefore") I now have ample time to RANT to you about vacations, spring breaks, and anything else that pops into my head.

One thing that puzzles me about vacations is the tendency some of us have to fill them with activities. I myself am guilty of this, as I plan on going to Universal Studios, and a Mets spring training game. Both of these endevours will require an early morning wake up. Now, doesn't this somewhat defeat the purpose of a "vacation"? A real vacation would be just lying in bed and watching nickelodeon for as many hours as you can before you have to get up and go to the bathroom. I remember being in Florida with my pals on previous vacations, and some of them yelling at me to wake up because its already 9 am!!! They would tell me that I have to get out early if I want to get a full day of the sun at the beach. This really never made any sense to me at all. Why would I want to lie in the hot sun and try to sleep out there, when I am already sleeping comfortably in an air-conditioned econo-lodge?? Again, its that tendency to always force ourselves to be doing something, because we cannot stand the idea of just sitting around and doing absolutely nothing.

But in my humble opinion, sometimes thats exactly what we need. We are in school, or working for a living, and the stress of those things can really get to us. Throw in the social stress that many of us are going through at this time, and you really just need to give your mind a break. Nothing can provide your mind with that break than...simply doing nothing. Of course, its better to go to a warm place and do nothing, then to do nothing in cold,dreary NY or Philly or wherever. We all know that our moods get much happier when that first day of spring hits, and we can wear short sleeves, unless you are a girl reading this who never wears short sleeves anyway. But imagine that you did. In any event, thats why I am going to Florida on this vacation. I just need to sit and do nothing in nice weather. Thats simply all I want from my vacation.

But as I have said earlier, things will always try and prevent that serenity of mind. Already, I am dealing with the delayed flight. How many delays will there actually be? How long will I be stuck in the airport, and how many bad purchases will I make while sitting there? Getting stuck in the airport can be one of the worst experiences possible. I was once stuck in Cleveland for 9 hours and simply went outta my mind. I started calling girls and just saying crazy things to them; at least it provided me with entertainment and gave me someone to talk to. So how can I have a peaceful vacation when I am already thinking about the horrible possibility of being stuck in the terminal forever.

And there is also the packing issue. I have no idea how to do this. I try to pack all my stuff, and then my Mom comes into my room and takes it all out, and re-packs it. Somehow it only takes up half the space when my Mom does it. It might have to do with this trick called "folding", but I do not wish to know of such concepts. So i pack twice as much as I need, b/c I'm always concerned about missing something, and I end up having more outfits then a seminary girl on pesach break. And I end up forgetting something anyway, like a toothbrush or a shaver or my driver's license or sneakers.

Ideally, I really crave a peaceful vacation, in which I can just temporarily ignore and escape from the educational and social pressures that are constantly present in my life. I am stressed now about the packing, and the airport, but I think I'll be Ok when I finally arrive in Florida. I hope to update you on the highlights of my vacation, and I will be documenting every day via video camera. take care, my dear readers, and I'll think of you when I'm getting woken up at 6 am to go to the beach.

thoughts on siyum ha'shas.

Toras Hashem Temima - The Torah of G-d is "whole"

As you all probably know, the siyum ha'shas took place this week in Madison Square Garden. While I did not have the privelege of attending this inspiring event, I do feel compelled to give over my thoughts to you...

In discussing what took place in MSG with people who attended, everyone used the same word...""unbelievable". But what is really so unbelievable about what took place? I'm sure many of us have experienced moments at the kotel in which we are dancing among many jews or davening with an intense level of concentration. Surely, these experiences have provided an equally uplifting glimpse of what our people are really all about. At MSG, I have also had some memorable experiences. I was there to see Simon and Garfunkel play "sound of silence" while 20,000 people sat in absolute silence. I was there to sing " better man" with every other person in the crowd, together in unison. Both of these experiences made my skin prickle up and put that weird lump in the back of my throat. But what is so unique and unbelivable about an experience like the siyum ha'shas, is that it meshes 2 very different type of experiences into one complete picture. It is the picture of what our role is supposed to be in this world, and it is a picture that we should constantly be thinking about and focusing on.

To explain and elaborate, understand that MSG is usually used for the mundane. Whether it be a sporting event, concert, or something else, the Garden is not a place that is associated with "kodesh", but rather with "chol". So, when we as Jews, are able to take a place that is solely used for "chol", and completely change and uplift its purpose to something utterly "kodesh", well...we have accomplished what this world is really all about. You see, there is this mistaken premise that our whole religion is built on trying to get a reward in the next world. This is certainly important, but we tend to lose focus on this world as well. Our religion gives us the best possible life HERE AND NOW. Imagine a week that didn't have a Shabbos meal with your family and/or friends. How empty would you feel, if Shabbos was replaced with Saturday. We would all get to live "sunday" twice, and that thought makes me sick.

So the idea is to be able to take things in this world and elevate them to something more than purely physical. And that concept occurs in every aspect of our religion, and occured on a very grand-scale at the siyum ha'shas. B/c it occured in such a magnified way, people found it unbelieveble. The singing after the siyum, was a meshing of davening at the kotel and singing "betterman". Davening with 20,000 jews made people cry and think like they haven't done in a long time. And this is why the Torah, and our religion, is Temimah or whole or complete. No one is gonna deny that we have a body and a soul. And no one is gonna deny that we often try and satisfy the needs of our body. But it is the rare and amazing event that comes and satisfies both at once. It is the davening and singing with 20,000 jews that somehow breaks us down to tears, b/c we are whole, and everything is being satisfied at once. And don't you just wish that feeling would never end? But somehow it creeps away from us, time and time again. If you were at the siyum, I envy you, b/c you now have a visual of 20,000 jews coming together to show exactly what this religion is about. Being M'kadesh the Chol. Thats it. Don't forget what it looks like. Don't forget how unbelievable it is. Don't forget how it makes you feel whole in this world.,