The Fades Rant

I'm the Fades, and I rant b/c i have some time to. I dont know..i'll talk about many things on this blog. Religion, girls, life. Thats about it. So really, I'll talk about 3 things.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A brief study of the various methods of transportation used by officers of the law in the city of new york (and what it means to you!)

Working in NYC, I always run into various policemen and policewomen. To cut down on writing the politically-correct "policemen or policewomen" over and over again throughout this post, I will simply use the gender-neutral phrase "cops" going forward. As a side note, would calling an officer a "pig" be considered to be a gender-neutral term - I don't know much about farm animals and their private parts, but I'm assuming there exists both female and male pigs, correct? Otherwise, how do we get piglets? In any event, calling them "pigs" is offensive for other reasons (not sure what those reasons are exactly), so we will stick with "cops".

Anyway I see these cops everywhere in the city and they come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes at the subway entrance, there are cops with machine guns and huge dogs. This is not from a video game, this is true. I guess they are more "bomb squad people" than cops, but I don't know where the line for "cops" ends and the line for "bomb squad people" begins. It probably has to do with taking an extra 6 month course in "bomb squadding", which mainly involves overcoming the fear that the giant dog will bite your face off.

Essentially, this is what I wanted to get to: How is the determination made as to what method of transportation a particular cop will be given? I'm assuming this critical determination/decision is made upon graduation from police academy, but strangely, nay, incredbily - not one of the various police academy films deal with this aspect of the police academy. In fact, all I remember about the police academy movies is that the first one has some brief nudity. I'm pretty sure we rented this when we were in 4th grade for this reason alone. I think the remainder of the police academy movies were all either PG-13 and PG, and thus lost out on the possibility for brief nudity (In general, PG-13 movies do not all for brief nudity. The only two known exceptions are Doc Hollywood and Titanic). Obviously, this led to the eventual downfall of the police academy movie franchise after 87 films.

But what really happens in the real-life police academy? I'm pretty certain it goes something like this: The police academy has rankings of all the graduating cops, just like we had in law school, or like they have in overly-competative highschools. The top tier of graduates are rewarded with cop cars and partners. This is obviously amazing because they get to travel around, turn on the sirens to scare people/get through traffic, stop for donuts - and do all of this with a friend (assuming that the top graduate cops are rewarded with a partner they get along with). This is perhaps best exemplified by the relationship and antics we are shown in the film "Superbad". The only problem is that I can't imagine that those two cops graduated at the top of their class, but maybe it was a rough year or a weak police academy class. Anyway, just as we see in the film, these guys have a great time and get to drive in circles while Van Halen blasts in the background. That is the reward for graduating at the top of the police academy class.

The middle-tier of cop graduates are given the option to take extra classes and become those weird cops that either drive the NYPD boats or fly the NYPD choppers. Who needs these guys? I guess one can make an argument that the plane-landing-in-the-Hudson River-incidents showed their possible utility, but I'm sure Capt. Sully could have done it all himself. Plus, there is the Coast Guard, so I don't see any use for these guys. But the second-tier of cop grads. are allowed the option so as to avoid the other (worse) alternatives available to the bottom-tier.

The bottom-tier of cop graduates are not given any method of transportation at all! Can you imagine this garbage? Their classmates are given a specific vehicle, while they are assigned to walk a "beat". The worst of the worst are forced to walk the beat in a dangerous neighborhood, while the best of the bottom-tier walk the subways and do random/boring checks of the subway cars. I guess they have to take public transportation to get home. Or maybe the top-tier cops pick them up and give rides, b/c the top-tier cops are also the nicest, just like the top-tier kids in highschool that are also nice.

Any centaurs that are in the police academy become cops on horses.


  • At 4:57 AM, Blogger YD said…

    What about those little weiner-cop-mobiles that are like these little motorcycles with a phone booth stuck on top. And they don't even have sirens, so the only way they can pull you over is by cutting you off when you are going really slow or stopped.

    I actually got pulled over by one once, it was really embarrassing. It made me feel like I had just lost to a girl in a fight.


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