The Fades Rant

I'm the Fades, and I rant b/c i have some time to. I dont know..i'll talk about many things on this blog. Religion, girls, life. Thats about it. So really, I'll talk about 3 things.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Baby Talk

The time has come to discuss the fact that I have a child. This may or may not be the equivalent of putting up 5 million baby pictures on facebook, but hopefully it is more entertaining for the reader/viewer.

An "infant" (Query: When does "newborn" status end and "infant" status begin? Similarly, when does "infant" status end and "toddler" status begin? Is there a status in between "infant" and "toddler" that I am forgetting about?) engages in three different activities: Eating, sleeping and excreting. As parents, our job is to help the infant with these three activities. My wife is the one that assists our child with this, and I am the one that observes the activities w/out being able to contribute. However, my observations, while unhelpful to my unfortunate wife, have allowed me to share the following with you:

Eating: I want to know who came up with the infant's diet. I'm sure it was very smart people and I guess we just have to trust that this is the best thing for our infants, but can you imagine any other age-group being forced to sustain themselves on this diet? We have this giant can of "formula" sitting on our kitchen cabinet, and our child has to digest this formula about every two hours. This would be like asking me to walk around with a 40 oz. beer, but instead of beer, it is filled with milk. Every 2 hours, I have to drink this entire 40 oz. size milk drink. Do you think I wouldn't have a permanent reservation with the toilet? Is there anyone in the medical profession looking into possibly changing the infant diet? Is it really dangerous for them to have a little juice every few hours, just to change things up? We are sometimes shocked by an infant always going to the bathroom and having stomach pains, but wouldn't the same happen to an adult in a similar situation? We should probably find out, and probably can on some Japanese game show. All I know is that this can of formula is huge, and if a nuclear war breaks out, I won't have any real food, but I will have giant cans of formula.

Sleeping: When it comes to putting an infant to sleep, there is a huge dilemma. If you put the infant on her back, she doesn't sleep well (maybe 2 hours maximum). However, if you put her on her stomach, she will sleep up to 7 hours, but this is considered a dangerous practice. Apparently, if the infant cannot yet lift its head, it risks suffocation by sleeping on its stomach. I passed this information on to my grandmother, and she told me that they were told the reverse back in the day. They were warned NOT to place the infant on its back, as this may risk choking.
Wow. This is depressing. I don't know why I shared all this. I guess my point is that how do you know what to do with this stuff? Doctors used to say one thing, and now they say the exact opposite, so what the H? The Fades solution is to put the baby on its SIDE!!! This is the golden middle path in the intense infant-sleeping method debate. Of course, you will have to monitor the baby every 2-3 minutes to make sure she does not roll over on her stomach or back. The other thing that troubles me with the whole infant-sleeping thing is the baby monitor. We very recently decided to try and have our child sleep in her own room, as opposed to having her in our room. It took us 3 hours to figure out the baby-monitors, which had 10 channels/frequencies. Is this really necessary for a baby-monitor? Between these high-tech baby walkie-talkies and the giant cans of formula, the only humans that will be able to survive any nuclear attack will be the infants. (You see what I did there? Bringing back the nuclear war bit?)

Excreting: I will attempt not to be graphic when discussing this activity. I have little in the way of observations, as I am afraid to go anywhere near the baby during the process of diaper changing (for #2). I would consider participating in the #2 diaper-changing process, if I was provided a surgical mask, like Hannibal Lecter-style, or SARS-disease style. Do you remember when people were walking around with those SARS masks? I recently saw someone wearing one on the subway, and I was thinking that this may be this individual's chosen method for avoiding the swine flu. I wonder why many people felt the need to wear the masks to avoid SARS, but you don't see the same reaction with swine flu. Once again, I'm sure there are some very good medical explanations, but I am too lazy to research this topic. Anyway, I'm afraid of another human being's feces, even if that other human being is my own child. This makes sense to me, but apparently nobody else has this same problem, as far as I know. As a historical note, this is part of the reason I could never become a counsler at camp HASC; I have no idea how the counslers are able to deal with this aspect of the job. As the camp van driver, I did have to transfer stool samples (these are little viles w/ a person's crap in them) to the Harris hospital from time to time, but I tried to simply avoid looking at them. When I did catch a peak, I would gag repeatedly and swerve off the road.

I want to conclude by making a half-assed apology to infants everywhere, for unfarily portraying them as the only ones that do nothing but eat, sleep and excrete. This is pretty much what I do as well, assuming I am not at work. On a typical Sunday, I will eat...spend a few hours googling ex-girlfriends and checking their facebook pages...excrete...check fantasy basball stats...sleep (nap) a movie I have seen over 10 times, such as Mrs. updated fantasy baseball video games...and go to sleep.

When I wake up, I will look at my daughter and say - "you and me, we aren't too different after all". She might offer a smile in response. Either that, or she has gas.


  • At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    and no doubt she's thinking:"but I am cuter."

  • At 8:02 AM, Blogger Av said…

    would like to point out your use of the expression "what the H" almost 2 years before the debut of Sports Show with Norm MacDonald


Post a Comment

<< Home


Lawyer Finder