bears

This will be very short. I just want to know why everyone has those bears with them when they get engaged. If you don't know what I mean, you can check many engagement pages on www.onlysimchas.com, and you will find pictures of many couples with an imaginary "bear couple", often dressed in a nice tuxedo and wedding gown. I want to know who started this bizarre wedding bear thing, is it connected to "Vermont teady bear". I also want to know if bears take pictures with an imaginary human couple when the bears get married. Maybe its only the jewish bears. Finally, I would also like to know if perhaps the purpose of these bears is to create a buffer between the couple so that they don't have to touch during pictures. If this is the reason, they should really bring the bears with them everywhere untill they are married. It is my opinion that the bears look stupid, especially in a tuxedo and wedding gown, and that there has to be a better "buffer" for shomer nagiah purposes. Perhaps giant flowers, or even regular sized flowers....thats it for me now.

drive rant

Something I find myself doing alot these days is the super fun activity known as "driving." As some of you may know, I am actually a professional driver, and have spent parts of the last two summers using my skillz (with a "z" like the ballers say it) at Camp Hasc - where my major responsibilities included getting iced cofee at dunkin donuts, mingling with the locals at ace hardware, and picking up beer and cigarettes for lots of people. Needless to say, it took a real professional to handle these types of difficult tasks. But alas, it seems that my professional driving days have come to a close, and most of my driving is now of the personal nature. I spend so much time on the road these days, that its only fair that I honor my driving with its very own deranged rant....

What do i drive? I drive a car that makes men want to be me, and makes women want to be with me in that very car. I drive a 2002 Purpley (that color is used in the movie "Elf" so its a real color) Ford Taurus which I purchased on the website service known as Ebay. This is not a joke. 2 summers ago I was driving my 1985 Volvo back from Washington Heights with 2 of my associates named Mr. Koegel and Mr. Knoll. Just a side note on this 1985 Volvo- it was my first car, and it had something called a "Turbo" feature thing going on. I have no idea what this thing was supposed to do, but when you drove over 40, something would suddenly click and my head would be jolted to the back of the seat, and I felt like I was going back to the future. And a little light would say "turbo". Cool stuff. Again, girls were very excited to ride in this bad boy. Anyway, as we were driving home, we realized in the following order that:
1) the car had somehow began to flood with water
2) there was black smoke coming out of the hood
3) my playstation 2 was in the car
4) we should get out quickly

To make a very long story short, the car was on fire, we got out, and more importantly - playstation 2 emerged unscathed. The only victim of the fire was a pearl jam concert cd which I was able to replace. The point of this emotional tale is to explain what brought me to the unfortunate position of bidding for a Ford Taurus on ebay. Anyway, when I actually won the bid, I think me and my father , who will now simply be known as "Abba", both had a very similar reaction of: "Oh no, didn't really expect to get the car." So now I have it, and goes with me on all my drives.

Where do i drive? I usually go from Long Island to Philadelphia, and sometimes I do that trip in reverse. Its a great drive b/c most of it is on the NJ Turnpike, where you have lots of fun rest stops to go to. A rest stop is a real nice slice of this great country we call "America" and you get to see that whole melting pot idea at its finest. At any rest stop you can find black people, poor white people, people from the country of asia, 3 or 4 wealthy people, and a chasidic guy. Also, I once ran into my very own set of Grandparents at one of these rest stops. Definetly one of the top 5 "this has to be a dream" moments of my life. But it was great, b/c I got to see them, and got 20 bucks as well. Its important now that I rank my favorite rest stops so that everyone knows which are the best when they are out on the road.
1) "John Fenwick" Service Area: Who the hell is this guy? How did he get one named after him?
2) "Vince Lombardi" Service Area: Football. respect.
3) Walt Whitman Gay Service Area: Poetry and being gay. They usually go together. respect.
4) Clara Barton Service Area: Had to put a woman on list to appease the female readers
5) Richard Stockton Service Area: Father of John Stockton, did a good job in parenting.

The perceptive reader will note that there are already 2 lists of 5 things in this rant.

What do i listen to on the drives? I listen to everything and get to hear all kinds of bizzare shows and commercials. I also listen to the traffic and call in on the jam hotline. Usually the guy will say, "ok judah...where r you, where is the jam?" I'll say "there is no jam pete. I'm just lonely and I need someone to talk to." Pete will then hang up. Sad yet humorous.

On my most recent trip, I heard a very bizzare advertisement. It was for the most amazing gift ever, to really let someone know that you love them. What is this gift? (Drumrollllllllll)
YOU CAN NAME A STAR AFTER THEM. Ummm. excuse me? Thats not a good gift at all. Thats like something you would do for a dead person if you aren't rich enough to name a building after them. Its ok. I named a star after you. Thats very meaningful. Also, who exactly is in charge of naming the stars, and where can I see what all the names are? Is it hard to get names now, b/c all the good names are already taken, like on IM? Lets say I want to tell my girlfriend I love her, so I call up and ask to name a star "Clifford" after her. Will they turn me down and make me change it to "Clifford2". I don't think a girl would be too happy with that at all. Neither would a dead relative.

Be safe on the road.

of mice and non-men

As 3 or more of you may know, I am in the process of interviewing with 5 billion different law firms. These firms each send down a person to philty-delphia, and they proceed to interview 25 people or so in one day. I would go into detail about this grueling process, but I don't think anyone would want to hear about it. In any event, one question that most of these fascinating individuals ask me is "why are your hands so small"? But not really. One question they really do ask is "Why do you want to work at our law firm"? The true answer is that you pay 125,000 dollars in the first year, and we are willing to sell our soul for that price. But you can't answer the truth, so you have to say something about the work being intellectually stimulating and exciting, and the atmosphere being enjoyable or something. In any event, my true answer does involve the money, but there is alot more to it. My true answer to these people involves our furry little friends called "mice."

Its sat night, around 2 am and I am alone in my apartment, b/c my roomate has traveled to new york. I hear them running in the ceiling but I pretend I don't. Instead, I just make the tv louder and louder, and turn on lots of fans, and blast the AC, and hire a marching band to play in my room. Anything to drown out the very uncomfortable sound of scurrying mice above my head in my crappy drop ceiling. As time ticks on, I realize that I am very hungry and thirsty, and could really use a short trip to the kitchen area. But this is not going to happen, b/c I have seen a mouse in there recently, and am worried about seeing it now, by myself. Usually, when my roomate is around, and one of us wants to make a trip to the kitchen we call the other one for "backup". We then both creep very slowly into the kitchen, and one of us usually holds a broom. It is unclear what we would do if a mouse actually zipped across us at this point. I think I would jump into his arms, while he swings the broom wildly, and we both yell together. I'm not sure how this would solve the problem, but i sure as hell will not enter that kitchen without him. Not at 2 am.

My fear of the creatures did not begin here in the U of Penn. My life has been checkered with some disturbing mice-related incidents, starting at around age 10 or so. I was playing in the basement on a sunday morning, with my legos, and my sister was down there also- i think she was watching wee sing in sillyville. By the way, wee sing in sillyville is one of the most enjoyable movies ever made. Anyway, all of a sudden I hear my mom yell out "you son of a bitch, you bastard, and some other choice obsenities. I assumed that a burgler or robber (not sure what the difference between these 2 are...is it the same as between a "ganav" and a "gazlan". For 5 points can anyone tell me which is considered worse, and why? tough stuff) had broken into the house, and I immedietly grabbed my sister and ran into a closet. Now, had this really been a human intruder, this would not have been the wisest of responses. Instead, a better response would have been to dial 911. Anwyay, it turned out that this was a rodent intruder, and my mom was simply much more brave than me, and she was trying to catch the creature while yelling curses at it.

In terms of my choosing to write the words "bitch" in the previous paragraph, instead of b--ch, I can easily rely on the "It really just means female dog rule." I love this rule, but I also love the "my rabbi once said it, so i can also" rule. Unfortunately, i cannot remember any of my rebeim ever saying the word bitch, so I have to rely on the first rule. I did, however once have a rabbi say "i didn't come here to get flucked by you kids!!" So i guess i can say fluck. In any event, I am wondering who decided that bitch actually means a female dog. Also, according to this rule, I should be able to say the "f" word, and the "s" word, b/c they both have alternative meanings which are just normal words. Whatever, just something to think about.

Mice incident #2 occured in the magic world of disney, on a ride called "Honey I shrunk the kids". This is one of those 3d rides which scare the hell out of everyone, but everyone pretends they like it. Anyway, they really go too far in this particular ride. At one point you see mice on the screen, and the next thing you know, they make it feel like they are crawling under your feet. This was the second most terrifying moment of my life (right behind my car igniting on fire while i was in it), and I felt like that dude in 1984 who has the cage of the mice put around his head so they can gnaw at his face. Disturbing s.

There are some other mice sightings later on, such as numerous times in camp hillel, but i am not going to go into all of them. The point of all this is to understand that I have been plagued by these damn things for quite some time now, and I shouldn't have to live in fear of them any more. Yet somehow, i am 22, in law school , and I cant walk into my own kitchen without my roomate as "backup".

And that is why I wanna work at your stupid law firm. I need all those dollars so I can make sure that I have a house in which I never have to see or hear mice. Never.

awake from my slumber

Just like all great tv shows, this rant had a long summer break. But Alas! the time has come for a brand new season of the fades rant; one which promises to be much more disturbing. The wait is finally over, now lets begin....

One of my famous quotes is "Happy is the man who experiences the post-minyan nap, for he is both spiritually and physically satisfied". I am not going to launch into a discourse on the deep meaning of this well known adage (i just wanted to use that word- "adage", and its unclear if I even used it correctly), but it is important as a basis and foundation for the rest of this particular rant. You see, I am especially fond of my post minyan naps, and they are known to sometimes last untill 2 or 3 pm. It goes without saying that I will not tolerate any disturbances during this slumber period.

SO you can understand how I felt when a person I will simply refer to as "Mom" decided to break into my bedroom, and violently shake me from my deep and comfortable sleep. Now this is not the first time "Mom" has made efforts to stop me from enjoying a restful day. I will direct the reader to last summer, almost exactly one year ago, when I returned home for a few days before moving down to the school of lawyering. I was enjoying a nap, when I awoke with a painful sensation in my right arm. I immedietly started yelling in a frantic panic - "My Armmmmm, My armmmm, it fellll offff!! Call the ambulence man!" I then realized that no one was in the house, except for my hispanic cleaning woman, and she had no idea what i was saying. As a side point, I simultaneously realized this is probably a violation of yichud.

Anyway, it turned out that "mom" had planted a bee hive in my window, so that if i ever tried to take a nap, I would immedietly be stung. This begs the question- Why is "mom" so against my taking a 6 hour nap during a weekday. Indeed, I have heard many other youths complaining about similar occurences. And the answer, my friends, is that the parental units cannot stand to see us have what they so desperately want. Remember that they work hard every day, and seeing someone nap all day will drive them into a fit of violent anger and jealousy. Also rememberthat many of you will soon have to live their lives, or already do-so be sure to take advantage of every post minyan nap experience you can get.

In any event, the point is that "mom" had awoken me yet again, and for a truly bizzare purpose. "Mom" carefully explained to me that me and my sister would be going to JC Penny to take a family photo. At first I thought that this must have been some type of joke or dream, but it was not to be. I was instructed to get out of bed, shower, shave, put on some "slacks" and a clean shirt, and report to the family vehicle in 45 minutes. When we arrived at JC Penny, I quickly realized the awkwardness of my current situation. It seems that every single Long Island woman and her small child had decided to take pictures in the basement of JC Penny today.

Is this what women do when they have small kids? Hmm.... what should we do today?? I know! Lets go to the basement of JC Penny and have an odd looking fellow take pictures of us! They even have props there! You can pretend your driving a car! Or play with giant blocks or a giant ball that is bigger than your head!! Strange.

The wait at JC Penny was about 2 hours long, so we quickly went to the mall directory and found (amazingly) that there were 3 other places that did this same thing. The first one we tried had just as many women with kids, and was a long haul. The second one we went to was called "Glamour shots" and it really creeped me out. This place apparently speacilizes in dressing you up, and making you look "cool" , and then taking pictures of the "cool" you. First of all, you cannot make someone look cool by spiking their hair and putting make up on them. All the pictures they showed in the front of the store just made the kids look strangely gothic. Secondly, the concept of a stranger dressing me up and then taking pictures of me, made me frightened, and I literally had to run from the store.

Eventually, we got the picture taken by a man who clearly had no idea what he was doing. But it came out fine, and now it will sit on the parentals desks, and in the living room, and in their wallets. So it was worth it- even at the cost of the most treasured post-minyan nap.