The Fades Rant

I'm the Fades, and I rant b/c i have some time to. I dont know..i'll talk about many things on this blog. Religion, girls, life. Thats about it. So really, I'll talk about 3 things.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

An analysis of early love interests (or "Shabbos walks")

In my last rant, I touched briefly upon the never-ending topic of the now defunct Camp Hillel. I could probably write an entire book about this place. Not the size of Uncle John's bathroom reader, but maybe like a 500 page paperback. Here is a glimpse of what a chapter would like...

When I think about past love interests or girls I have been maniaclly obsessed with, I always forget to include those first few girls from my days of Shabbos walking in Camp Hillel. Well, no more! I distinctly remember going on a set of shabbos walks with 3 different girls in Bunk 5 and Bunk6. These were the summers of 1993 and 1994, so I was 10 and 11 when these occurred. I will present a brief description of each wonderful lady, followed by the lessons I hope to glean from these memories. I hope that you all can join me in my gleaning. Identities will be protected for the sake of all involved.

1. Lady #1, Summer 1993, Bunk 5: I have no clue as to how this Shabbos walk came about. It must have been arranged by counselors or other campers, b/c I have no recollection of ever initiating a conversation with a girl until last year, when my secretary asked me why I never say good morning. Now, I initiate every day with a "Good Morning secretary!". Anyway, this llady #1 was no secretary. In fact, she is now an ultra-orthodox jewish woman that shaves her head. Scary stuff. I started the Shabbos walk by asking the following "go-to" questions. I would suggest that people dating for the first time also start their dates with these innocent tidbits: A) What is your favorite color? B) What is your favorite number? I do not recall either of her answers to these questions, but I do remember her burping in my face. I was grossed out but also intrigued by her carefree attitude. I told my parents of my Shabbos walk-success in a letter delivered by postal carriers (or perhaps, only one carrier), and word got back to the girl that I was talking too much about our escipades. She decided that one Shabbos walk was enough and promptly shaved her head in protest. THE LESSSONS: Respect a lady's privacy. Sometimes they are embarrased to be seen with you or for people to know that they are associated with you. You should respect their wishes and try to carry on a secretive relationship until they dump you. Additionally, if the lady answers your questions about numbers and colors, you should remember these answers. If her birthday comes, and you are still dating, you can get her a present based on her answers. If she said "10" and "yellow", simply get her 10 yellow balloons and call it a day.

2. Lady #2, Summer 1994, July, Bunk 6: This may be the first time I felt rejection and heartbreak. Specifically, I remember that my left ventricle was severely damaged. I remember being very satisfied with Lady # 2 and really looking forward to our next Shabbos walk (we did not talk during the week). We went on two shabbos walks, but I was then victimized by a nose picking incident. I had a menacing urge to pick my nose, so I went behind the stage curtain in the Camp Hillel social hall and went to town. Unfortunately for all parties involved, Lady #2 was able to see what I was doing and called off all future Shabbos walks (although I didn't find out that this was the reason until later). I cannot fathom why I didn't just pick my nose in a place where it was absolutely certain that nobody could see. Why not go to the bathroom? Maybe because the bathrooms in the social hall always had overflowed crap from the toilet on the floor. Or maybe it was just the sense of adventure that we all love. I'm a risk-taker and it was a huge risk to pick my nose behind a stage curtain...a risk that didn't pay off. To add insult to injury, I tried to win back Lady #2 by winning her a doll in Woodbourne. It is a miracle that I won the doll to begin with from one of those grabbing machines, but she did not accept my gift. Or, she might have accepted but laughed in my face upon accepting. Either way - bad result and no more Lady #2. THE LESSONS: No nose-picking or other bad habits in front of girls, this includes holding in gas until marriage/engagement/or reasonable comfort level reached. Furthermore, it is generally a bad idea to come begging back to the girl right after being dumped. If you do come begging back and decide to forfeit your manhood, it might not be prudent to offer her a green frog doll in the process.

3. Lady #3, Summer 1994, August, Bunk 6: This is an interesting one b/c it shows that I was somehow able to rebound from the nose-picking disaster and still find a lady to escort me around camp for those long August saturdays. Once again, we went on 2 shabbos walks and this lady wanted to kiss me as well. I remember being shocked and scared and denying all her advances. The summer ended without any physical contact and I went home as the same innocent boy that had arrived 2 months earlier. I'm sure my parents were proud. THE LESSONS: Not sure exactly, but I think the "big picture" lesson is the power of the rebound and the "Plenty of fish in the sea" attitude. I was embarrased and humiliated in July 94, and had to fight off a vixen's sexual advances (kiss on the (butt)cheek) in August 94. That is quite a rebound. Sure, the second girl was not around for July and probably never found out about my nose picking, but who cares. The Fades lived another day.


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