The Fades Rant

I'm the Fades, and I rant b/c i have some time to. I dont know..i'll talk about many things on this blog. Religion, girls, life. Thats about it. So really, I'll talk about 3 things.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Finally, A guide for Mustard Users.

If you are anything like me, you have a huge butt, large stubby fingers and a tremendous bottom lip. Also, you adore mustard and insist on using with as many foods as possible. I've always enjoyed the many benefits of mustard, but my possible "over-using" of it was only recently brought to my attention, courtesy of my in-laws. Whenever we eat meals at their house (this usually occurs on the Sabbath), I insist on using mustard on most of the food items, and my mother in-law is now always prepared with a new bottle of Guldens spicy brown. Last time, I used the mustard on both chicken cutlets and a meat-pie type dish, drawing a mixture of ridicule and incredulity from the other peoples. This was the first time my use of mustard was called into question, and now I am wondering if I am using it for inapproriate foods (by which I mean foods that are not considered suitable to be dressed with mustard; i do not mean "inapproriate" in the sense that the food is shaped in a manner that brings inapproriate thoughts to the eater of said food, for indeed the "hotdog" is perhaps the most approriate of the mustard-foods).

The end result of all this self-analysis and questioning (which lasted for at least 1 minute at the time) was that I didn't care about my potential over-use of mustard. Instead, I want to help other mustard users with the problems we face, as a group. I am of course referring to the ever-growing problem of "Choice of Mustard". To put it simply, there are just way too many choices and varieties of mustard on the shelves of grocery stores everywhere. One solution is to petition grocery stores to eliminate some of these less-useful varieties, but this would take time and effort. Instead, I offer a simple guide to illustrate when various types of mustard should be purchased and used. I hope that my fellow mustard-users find this useful and that my non-fellow non-mustard-users will join us in our yellow delight.

1) Yellow Mustard: According to wikipedia, "Yellow mustard is the most commonly used mustard in the United States and Canada, where it is sometimes referred to simply as "regular mustard". I think it should be referred to as "crap mustard" or "mustard for poor people". Yellow mustard is a last resort and offers the weakest of the mustard flavors. Yellow mustard is more of a color than anything else; it is the equivalent of coloring your food with a yellow highlighter. Yellow mustard should only be used when there are no other viable options available. EXAMPLE: You are a guest at a meal and no mustard is on the table. You excuse yourself to check fridge and only see yellow mustard. DO NOT YET USE THIS MUSTARD. Make sure to also check garage and other possible storage places for possible better mustards. After performing complete examination of host's abode, proceed to use yellow mustard, but do not enjoy it.

2) Spicy Brown Mustard: Is there a plain brown mustard w/out the spicy involved? If so, I wouldn't trust it, but the Spicy Brown combo is a true delight. This should be every person's go-to mustard for the majority of food items. I believe that "Deli mustard" is the same as "spicy brown mustard" and this is no mistake my friends. The mustard makers are giving us a key clue by inserting the suggested mustard use as part of the mustard name. One thinks "This spicy brown mustard definetly looks like the best mustard, but how should I go about using it...what foods would be enhanced by the presence of this mustard?" The answer is on the label: DELI (or items similar to DELI by gezeirah shava). Of course, if "Deli Mustard" is not the same as "Spicy Brown Mustard", this entire paragraph is incorrect. Who cares though.

3) Honey Mustard: To be used as a flavoring in cooking (I am told), as a component of honey mustard tuna, or as a flavor for a variety of pretzel. If used as a cooking flavor, one should not be able to taste the actual honey-aspect of the mustard, b/c that would be gross. Now that I think about it, the entire Honey-Mustard concept is completely paradoxical, much like Barad, which contained fire AND ice! I personally try to avoid honey-mustards, but some folks seem to enjoy it. As a compromise, I would spicy brown honey mustard for use w/ meat items, but not plain honey mustard.

4) Grey Poupon: This is a brand and not a variety, but it deserves its own special category. The Grey Poupon is still reserved for the upper-class of mustard users, as was originally brought to our attention by the famous scene in Wayne's World. But you don't have to be a jerk to use grey poupon. Other explanations include: a) Amazing bottle shape: It comes in a huge wide-rimmed bottle, allowing you to scoop tons of it out at one time. b) Rich: You are rich and choose to spend too much money on mustard rather than less costly, yet equally delicious, alternatives.

5) Chinese mustard: This is to be used to kill oneself.


  • At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    creepy house snooping aside, i am sorry i am late to this post, and even more sorry that no one else had anything to say about it. this is a very important issue and it doesnt get nearly enough publicity. mustard, like manny ramirez, needs a new pr person. i think the first thing that needs to happen, is we need gather up all the people who say they like mustard, but are referring to that neon yellow stuff, and put them outside the camp with the lepers (i have a sister who says that). this is straight blasphemy, those people are responsible for that 'mustard' still existing.
    its not okay for people to confuse different types of asian people that may or may not look the same, but its okay for people to call all these different things mustard when they dont look OR even taste the same. and we can bring up the chinese mustard here, that guy got he shaft on both ends. im going to bring this straight to sam and amy.
    there is a company out there that makes different types of mustards, i think the brand is woebers, the ones that make the good horseradish sauce. they make jalapeno mustard, which sounds like it could be amazing, but when it came down to it, i could think of anything i didnt want to put spicy brown on, so it just sits in my fridge. they also have a spicy and sweet mustard and a deli mustard. how do you make mustard both sweet and spicy? that doesnt even sound good. i think this brand is taking unnecessary leaps. if mustard had a pr guy, he would be all over that.
    the grey poupon is that weird dijon mustard stuff, which apparently is mustard with vinegar or something. how did they come up with that crap? maybe it was one of those cases in the talmud where someone had a barrel of mustard and a barrel of vinegar and one broke and they had to spill the other out the save it, i dont know.
    and now for the honey stuff. this stuff really grinds my gears. they do such a horrific job with it, and my fake mustard loving sister thinks its so great that she puts it in the deli roll! come on man, thats a load of crap. manny puts that grainy mustard in. i respect that stuff, and definitely respect manny's deli roll, no matter how manny cows had to die to make just one, its truly delightful, but that grainy mustard is like drinking coffee black, no need, we have milk, its been invented already, you can get it from mannys cows before they are killed for rolled up deli in filo dough, no need to be a hero. i think black coffee is how you get street cred in offices. i never worked in one so i dont know. but back to the honey mustard, they make it in brown and regular, and while the brown isnt bad, i encounter the same problem i have with the jalapeno mustard, what for? why would i use that when i have regular spicy brown? so i think what this all comes down to is that your mustard aisle complication would be made much easier if they got rid of all the weirdo mustards and move the yellow 'mustard' to the ketchup aisle with the rest of the girl condiments.
    and while were on the topic of mustard, we should step over a little in the aisle and discuss pickles. i hate to this with out go dreene here, but i think we can make a good comparision between mustard and pickles. the sour and the half sour, whats with that? the half sour pickles are like the yellow 'mustard'. decides they want a pickle and then eats that crap? death to half sour. and whats up with dill? that stuff is terrible. they call them 'kosher' dill pickles sometimes. i find that very insulting. i know kosher food generally sucks by comparison, but come on. and what about the bread and butter pickles? bread and butter? that what i want to add to my hamburger? oh this fresh off the grill hamburger looks so good, all juicy and delicious, you know what would just make that perfect, bread and butter, but not in a sandwich, in a salty cucumber.

  • At 9:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It should be pointed out that the much maligned yellow mustard is refered to as "Classic yellow mustard"on the label.Like classic rock,and classic novels;it implies a timeless quality and an aura of status.
    It might make sense to give it another shot.I think it tastes OK on those big pretzels.


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