The alien theorem

If u ever saw the film Men in Black u r probably wondering what ever happened to bernard gilkey. Additionally, u probably remember that wil smith and tommy lee jones went around and found aliens that disguised themselves as regular human beings. I spoke to the writer of this film , and he informed me that the plot is based on his experiences in washington heights, on the Wilf Campus. There is startling evidence of many aliens walking around who are disguising themselves as human beings. And this terrifying phenomenon (pl. phenomenahhh?) has spread to college campuses in all over the world, including penn, maryland, binghamton, and...thats really all i can personally attest to. But trust me, my dear readers, this is a major problem. Therefore I present you with these FAQ concerning the Alien Theorem, and my answers....

Q. Is there a way I can identify whether a "human" is really an alien? - timothy, chicago, IL

Little Timmy, identification is the first step, and requires complete knowledge of the basic signs. Firstly, aliens will almost always be wearing glasses. Aliens have weak alien eyes or something, and they need to protect them from the suns rays. Actually, that makes no sense, b/c then they would wear sunglasses. Anyway, be on the lookout for old librarian-type glasses with very thick lenses. Aliens do not have any fashion sense, so their frames will be from the 1980s and early 90s. Additionally, skin problems on the face is a major sign. Aliens have weak skin from their traveling around the planets and stuff. They are known to have zits, warts, moles, etc. Do not comment on their facial disease, for this will only enrage them. Another sign is the "backhair to neckhair" merge. If you see backhair creeping up around the neck area, you are almost definetly looking at an alien. I know these signs are a tad graphic, but this is pikuach nefesh, and must be spoken about. For girl aliens, look for obesity combined with an exposed mid-drift area. uch. thats enough.

Q. Are there aliens in high school or only college and older? - regis, west hemptead

Reg, I'm glad you asked this. All studies show that there are NO aliens in highschool. There are indeed nerds, geeks, etc... and about 62% of these will eventually become aliens somehow. Not sure exactly how that works. But you cannot persecute all the nerds b/c a % of them may in fact be evil aliens. We do not have an anticipatory corrective justice system in America or in Judaism (unless its a ben soreh u'moreh, but that never happened acc to sanhedrin) and therefore, I cannot condone any evil treatment of nerds in highschool. In fact, its better to treat them extra-nice, b/c maybe that will help prevent them from being overtaken by alien forces. Also, u may need their assistance later on in life for something. u never know.

Q. So, i think I spotted an alien. What now the Fades???? - zak , plainview

Zak, u sure its not just a regular person? Don't be overzealous and go killing regular people. That will simply lead you to prison and that would make me sad. Instead, spy on the suspect for a two week period and observe his behavioral pattern. Does he watch scifi channel only? Does he eat hotdogs with both ketchup and mustard? Things like that will help you in your final determination. If after the two week period, u r absolutely convinced that he is an alien, find out where he sleeps and kill him in his sleep. Or maybe just beat him with a bat or something. or do the game where u stick his hand in hot water and make him pee in the bed. Thats actually the best method. Do the hot water trick.

Special thanks to la homos; my prodigal roomate and billy for initially developing this interesting theorem. My reports outta the heights and stern school of obedience for women say that the number of aliens is dramatically increasing. So be on the lookout. GN

Lots of beans in Aretha's chulent

In honor of black history month..

Its almost Feb-o0o-erry, which means that all of you should be examining your ancient black heritage and getting ready to celebrate black history month. Highlights of this month include a celebration of Washington's birthday, who himself had many black slaves. But then again, it also includes Lincoln's birthday, who went and freed all the slaves. Interesting that both of these famous presidents have birthdays in such close proximity. Anyway, in celebration of my favorite month, I have complied a fun list.

At minyan this morning, there was a black man among us. In fact, I have seen at least 4 different african americans at shul during my time in philadelphia. What does all this mean? It means that I have made a brand new creative list of "FAMOUS BLACKS WHO WOULD MAKE GREAT JEWS" Yes, i thought of this amazing idea during my recitation of the Amidah this morning, so I guess it was divinely inspired. Please ( I really encourage this) feel free to add to this list in your comments. I am looking forward to hearing what my clever and entertaining readers have to say.
1) Ray Charles. Fits the perfect mold of the old respected man who has lived in your community for 50 million years. Can't you see him being escorted in to your shul and sitting in the front row. You politely go over and say good shabbos to him and he gives you a little candy. He is well respected in the community and everyone stands when he gets an aliyah. I can see it happening if he was still alive.
2) Oprah. Its close to Orpah from the book of Ruth, which many of you may know from taking the torturous bible classes in YU. Its true, Orpah never did convert the whole way like Ruth (its so weird to write "Ruth", but how else can i write it... Rut? Root? Russ? unclear) , but she was married to one of those machlon/kilyon guys, and she's in a book of tanach. If Oprah would convert, i can easily see her causing trouble at her shul by starting an all women's minyan or asking to kiss the Torah, or give announcements. It would be annoying.
3) Micheal Jackson. He can easily continue the tradition of being a Rabbi who gets charged with some type of sexual molestation. A nice fit for him. And then there is the whole question if he should still qualify as "black" and make it onto this prestigious list.
4) Aretha Franklin. She just looks like she would make a really good chulent. I'm talking a chulent that will knock you out for 7 hours, and then 3 more in the restroom. But i guess she doesnt have to be jewish to make the good chulent, unless we wanna get into issues of bishul akum, which is way way way beyond the scope of this blog.
5) Reggie White. I heard he was converting before he died. Also, he made some anti-gay comments, along the lines of saying that homosexuality is an abomination. Would make for a powerfu and controversial pulpit Rabbi.
That is the entire list. By no means do I mean for this to be a racist type RANT. I was actually raised by an African American women, and she only beat me sparilngly. And she told me it was payback b/c my people had oppressed hers for millions of years. So everything evens out. Enjoy your Feb-ooo-erry. GN

Barbra, the first frum cross-dresser

Pardon me Ms. , Is that my Yarmulka??

Anyone who has ever spent a Shabbos on a secular college campus, or perhaps even in Stern School of Obedience for Women, will be able to relate to this very important post. Here we go...
I was at the Hillel House, when it was pointed out to me through the transparent Machitzah, that a girl was wearing a yarmulka during davening. She also had a lovely tallis. Now, lets get something straight right now- I have no problem with this girl's gender confusion. In fact, I really found it fascinating and humorous to observe. But it also made me think of some interesting questions. I have seen numerous yarmulka-clad women in my day, and all of them wear the serugah-type. Now, why is this?? Why don't you ever see one of these mixed up maniacs going "yeshivish" with the black velvet, or better yet, going black hat. One might think, (and I do) , that Barbra Streisand would have set the cross-dressing precedent with her spectacular performance in "Yentel". BUT, if this theory is true, you would see these wackjobs wearing a much more yeshivish style, instead of the colorful serugah types that are more common. Now, do these girls only wear their yarmulkas when they come to shul, or do they wear it in the comforts of their own home as well. Do they act like certain guys do, and remove the yarmulka when they go to a club or bar or whatever? Do they switch to a baseball cap for certain scenarios...or is it simply always that yarmulka. And furthermore, do they have a large selection sitting at home somewhere, or is it always the same damn one. You would assume that they want to pick out a matching one, depending on the outfit they are wearing, so my guess is that they have a nice variety to choose from.

Personally, when I look at one of these girls with a yarmulka, its the equivalent of looking at a girl with a mustache or beard or horrible mole or something very "off." There is something blatantly attached to her face/head that simply doesn't belong, much like facial hair. I would go as far to say, that even if the girl was very attractive, she would lose that element somehow by wearing the yarmulka. Why is this? B/c in my head, she turns everything upside down and causes me great confusion. But then again, this is a major hypothetical, b/c I have yet to see an attractive girl actually doing this.

What is the message that we should take from this rant? One message is to realize that girls who do this are acting illogically. They probably think this will help them achieve some sort of twisted equality, but this is biologically impossible. Last time I checked, these girls didn't have to go through the painful process of BRIS MILAH. My proposal is that if girls want to wear male-stuff, we should be allowed to cut off a part of one of their appendages. (is that a human- word, or only grasshoppers have that, or something?) Now, that would be true equality, as well as very disturbing. But then again, seeing this girl wear a yarmulka is also disturbing. Funny as hell and yet disturbing. GN

meatloaf would do anything for a bigmac right about now

me and cohen..no similarities

Ace of Base defined me in 6th grade

6th Grade Memories...good times.

Today I was walking in the freezing cold and listening to the radio, and lo and behold (strange expression) I was given a true gift. Meatloaf's "I would do anything for love" came on the radio, and I was immedietly warped back into 6th Grade once again. Yes, thats correct, this happens on a normal basis. So without further ado (spelling?) lets take a quick but memorable glimpse into my 6th grade memories.

SO it was around this time that I got my first CD player , old-school boombox style. I think it actually still works. And the major issue was..which CDs to buy for this musical device? And the answer was fairly simple and extremely homosexual....1) ace of base and 2) meatloaf. Now Meatloaf is understandable simply because of "i would do anything for love." Its great to listen to a very fat man sing about doing anything for love. Would Meatloaf go on a diet for love? Would he get lyposuction? Another questions to ponder is ..would U do ANYTHING for Love??? But alas, this question is way too deep to be discussed at this time. (but if u have comments on that question, post em up)
Back to the CDs...so I'm finding it very hard to justify buying an ace of base cd. I remember there was "the sign" and we all know and love that one. There was also "all that she wants" and i think the next words are "is another baby." I dont know why these swedish women needed or wanted another baby. But in China, u should know, u cannot have that many babies. If u have more than the amount allowed, they will kill your baby. Or throw it in a garbage.
I was really really into this ace of base cd; i think the group was composed of 2 women- 1 blond, 1 brunette, and probably 2 men also. Although, i may be confusing them with other european powerhouses such as "the real mcCoy" or "eifel 49". Either way, I used to pretend 2 girls in my class were the 2 female singers, and me and my friend were the 2 male singers, and we were an import rock group. And I would sing the songs in the mirror...alone, b/c the other 3 people didnt know about this little pretend game I played. My imagination was really crucial in 6th grade, and I also liked to try and relate popular tv characters to my own personal life. For instance, I was exactly like Brandon of 90210, b/c I was smart and had long sideburns. Which brings me to the point of this rant...The OC: great show, but I am having trouble relating to any of the male characters. Cohen is a Jew, but I really dont see any similarities between him and myself. And this is why I miss 6th grade, a time when my imagine seemed endless, even to the point where i was a member of Ace of Base. GN

Awkward day in class

Welcome back to all my loyal fans. Please don't be shy about posting your thoughts, jokes, criticisms, stories, etc... (3 dots)

So today I had an awkward encounter that I would like to share with the public. In school, there are about eighty students in a class, just like in YU. Seating is picked electronically via the Internet, on a first come first serve basis. Not suprisingly, I was one of the last to be served, and got stuck with a seat in the front row, next to the strangest people in the class. Now keep in mind, alot of socializing depends on who u r sitting next to. Those few minutes before and after class are critical moments in which solid friendships can be built. So maybe its good that I'm not sitting next to an attractive, sweet, intelligent girl, b/c who knows where that would end up.
So who am i sitting next to? I am sitting next to a lady. She has to be at least 40 and she just looks like her house smells from mothballs. U know that look. She has some heavy Scandavian accent as well, but I dont know enough about the world to tell u what country she is from. In any event, she is a lady, and I am a little guy, so sitting next to her is strange.

Today I wore my much-heralded argyle sweater. Its my go-to sweater, my "old reliable", the sweater u know u can always turn to in times of dressing-confusion. Well, at least it was. To my horror, old lady next to me is also wearing an argyle sweater. And it gets worse. The Professor stops his lecture in the middle and says.."hey, you guys are twins!!!". Then the lady says."yahh, we should take a family photo, and starts cackling like a drunk witch. I'm thinking, "ummm, when did i enter the twilight zone. I'm telling you, these things only happen to me.

Furthermore, this lady was drinking V8 the entire class. This is a beverage composed of vegetables that should never be turned into juices, like carrots and zuchini. Why is this beverage being sold? Zuchini, and olives for that matter, make me nausuous no matter what form they are in. One time I ordered an egg salad wrap in YU, without realizg there were olives in it. I'm telling you, when I bit into it, I was wretching for 10 minutes. Shouldn't there be some kind of warning on products that have hidden gross ingredients? Fruit also makes me nausous, but that might be genetically inherited from my father. Or it might come from my grandmother's insistance that I eat pear after pear when I was 3 years old untill I vomit. Either way, I am disturbed by most fruit and certain vegetables. And b/c Tu B'shvat has just passed, I felt it was appropriate to discuss all this. And also b/c that old mothball hag was drinking V8. But now she is my twin sister. Great. GN

The First Post

I gotta tell u , this Blog thing is gonna change everyone's life. I mean, everyone is gonna start reading this, and then tell their friends, who will tell their friends, etc.. So bottom line is that I have very high hopes (a good song by pink floyd) for this thing.
Second thing is that I am gonna be really honest on this thing. I'll tell it the way I see it, and if that means being a little controversial, so be it. ( and I apologize)
As u all probably know, I am rotting away in my first year of law school in philly. This gives me some time to write down my thoughts at the end of the day. I am living in West Philly, where will smith is from. Why did Will Smith leave here? And why was he wearing that awkwardly colored cap when he arrived at Bel Air. I feel like he got that in the airport. Recently, I was in the new airport in Tel Aviv, and I purchased a Shwecky CD. How crazy is it that you can buy a Shwecky CD at an airport. Does it get any better than that? I tried to listen to it on the plane, but I kept passing out and then waking up in the middle and thinking I was at someone's wedding.
But back to living in West Philly...this place is perhaps worse than Washington Heights. U see, orignially, Western Philadelphia was an all african american community; as time passed, the upper class white college students began to move in to every single house that existed. So..we have a little culture clash going on, in which the each group really wants to just kill the other. its kinda like the heights, b/c u gotta believe that the Hispanics wanna kill us. And how can u trust the security guards in the heights...if they themselves are of the Hispanic origin. There are Penn security guards here, and they are both black and white..so maybe they are to be more trusted than in the Heights. But here is the clincher...these guys ride bicycles. No man on a bicycle can be trusted to defend me. Some of them have little horns that they honk at the car jackers and thieves, and bandits, and crooks, and pirates. I wish they had unicycles. That would be amazing.
tommorow I'll try to talk some Torah tommorow and relate it to some other stuff. GN.