The alien theorem

If u ever saw the film Men in Black u r probably wondering what ever happened to bernard gilkey. Additionally, u probably remember that wil smith and tommy lee jones went around and found aliens that disguised themselves as regular human beings. I spoke to the writer of this film , and he informed me that the plot is based on his experiences in washington heights, on the Wilf Campus. There is startling evidence of many aliens walking around who are disguising themselves as human beings. And this terrifying phenomenon (pl. phenomenahhh?) has spread to college campuses in all over the world, including penn, maryland, binghamton, and...thats really all i can personally attest to. But trust me, my dear readers, this is a major problem. Therefore I present you with these FAQ concerning the Alien Theorem, and my answers....

Q. Is there a way I can identify whether a "human" is really an alien? - timothy, chicago, IL

Little Timmy, identification is the first step, and requires complete knowledge of the basic signs. Firstly, aliens will almost always be wearing glasses. Aliens have weak alien eyes or something, and they need to protect them from the suns rays. Actually, that makes no sense, b/c then they would wear sunglasses. Anyway, be on the lookout for old librarian-type glasses with very thick lenses. Aliens do not have any fashion sense, so their frames will be from the 1980s and early 90s. Additionally, skin problems on the face is a major sign. Aliens have weak skin from their traveling around the planets and stuff. They are known to have zits, warts, moles, etc. Do not comment on their facial disease, for this will only enrage them. Another sign is the "backhair to neckhair" merge. If you see backhair creeping up around the neck area, you are almost definetly looking at an alien. I know these signs are a tad graphic, but this is pikuach nefesh, and must be spoken about. For girl aliens, look for obesity combined with an exposed mid-drift area. uch. thats enough.

Q. Are there aliens in high school or only college and older? - regis, west hemptead

Reg, I'm glad you asked this. All studies show that there are NO aliens in highschool. There are indeed nerds, geeks, etc... and about 62% of these will eventually become aliens somehow. Not sure exactly how that works. But you cannot persecute all the nerds b/c a % of them may in fact be evil aliens. We do not have an anticipatory corrective justice system in America or in Judaism (unless its a ben soreh u'moreh, but that never happened acc to sanhedrin) and therefore, I cannot condone any evil treatment of nerds in highschool. In fact, its better to treat them extra-nice, b/c maybe that will help prevent them from being overtaken by alien forces. Also, u may need their assistance later on in life for something. u never know.

Q. So, i think I spotted an alien. What now the Fades???? - zak , plainview

Zak, u sure its not just a regular person? Don't be overzealous and go killing regular people. That will simply lead you to prison and that would make me sad. Instead, spy on the suspect for a two week period and observe his behavioral pattern. Does he watch scifi channel only? Does he eat hotdogs with both ketchup and mustard? Things like that will help you in your final determination. If after the two week period, u r absolutely convinced that he is an alien, find out where he sleeps and kill him in his sleep. Or maybe just beat him with a bat or something. or do the game where u stick his hand in hot water and make him pee in the bed. Thats actually the best method. Do the hot water trick.

Special thanks to la homos; my prodigal roomate and billy for initially developing this interesting theorem. My reports outta the heights and stern school of obedience for women say that the number of aliens is dramatically increasing. So be on the lookout. GN