awake from my slumber

Just like all great tv shows, this rant had a long summer break. But Alas! the time has come for a brand new season of the fades rant; one which promises to be much more disturbing. The wait is finally over, now lets begin....

One of my famous quotes is "Happy is the man who experiences the post-minyan nap, for he is both spiritually and physically satisfied". I am not going to launch into a discourse on the deep meaning of this well known adage (i just wanted to use that word- "adage", and its unclear if I even used it correctly), but it is important as a basis and foundation for the rest of this particular rant. You see, I am especially fond of my post minyan naps, and they are known to sometimes last untill 2 or 3 pm. It goes without saying that I will not tolerate any disturbances during this slumber period.

SO you can understand how I felt when a person I will simply refer to as "Mom" decided to break into my bedroom, and violently shake me from my deep and comfortable sleep. Now this is not the first time "Mom" has made efforts to stop me from enjoying a restful day. I will direct the reader to last summer, almost exactly one year ago, when I returned home for a few days before moving down to the school of lawyering. I was enjoying a nap, when I awoke with a painful sensation in my right arm. I immedietly started yelling in a frantic panic - "My Armmmmm, My armmmm, it fellll offff!! Call the ambulence man!" I then realized that no one was in the house, except for my hispanic cleaning woman, and she had no idea what i was saying. As a side point, I simultaneously realized this is probably a violation of yichud.

Anyway, it turned out that "mom" had planted a bee hive in my window, so that if i ever tried to take a nap, I would immedietly be stung. This begs the question- Why is "mom" so against my taking a 6 hour nap during a weekday. Indeed, I have heard many other youths complaining about similar occurences. And the answer, my friends, is that the parental units cannot stand to see us have what they so desperately want. Remember that they work hard every day, and seeing someone nap all day will drive them into a fit of violent anger and jealousy. Also rememberthat many of you will soon have to live their lives, or already do-so be sure to take advantage of every post minyan nap experience you can get.

In any event, the point is that "mom" had awoken me yet again, and for a truly bizzare purpose. "Mom" carefully explained to me that me and my sister would be going to JC Penny to take a family photo. At first I thought that this must have been some type of joke or dream, but it was not to be. I was instructed to get out of bed, shower, shave, put on some "slacks" and a clean shirt, and report to the family vehicle in 45 minutes. When we arrived at JC Penny, I quickly realized the awkwardness of my current situation. It seems that every single Long Island woman and her small child had decided to take pictures in the basement of JC Penny today.

Is this what women do when they have small kids? Hmm.... what should we do today?? I know! Lets go to the basement of JC Penny and have an odd looking fellow take pictures of us! They even have props there! You can pretend your driving a car! Or play with giant blocks or a giant ball that is bigger than your head!! Strange.

The wait at JC Penny was about 2 hours long, so we quickly went to the mall directory and found (amazingly) that there were 3 other places that did this same thing. The first one we tried had just as many women with kids, and was a long haul. The second one we went to was called "Glamour shots" and it really creeped me out. This place apparently speacilizes in dressing you up, and making you look "cool" , and then taking pictures of the "cool" you. First of all, you cannot make someone look cool by spiking their hair and putting make up on them. All the pictures they showed in the front of the store just made the kids look strangely gothic. Secondly, the concept of a stranger dressing me up and then taking pictures of me, made me frightened, and I literally had to run from the store.

Eventually, we got the picture taken by a man who clearly had no idea what he was doing. But it came out fine, and now it will sit on the parentals desks, and in the living room, and in their wallets. So it was worth it- even at the cost of the most treasured post-minyan nap.