drive rant

Something I find myself doing alot these days is the super fun activity known as "driving." As some of you may know, I am actually a professional driver, and have spent parts of the last two summers using my skillz (with a "z" like the ballers say it) at Camp Hasc - where my major responsibilities included getting iced cofee at dunkin donuts, mingling with the locals at ace hardware, and picking up beer and cigarettes for lots of people. Needless to say, it took a real professional to handle these types of difficult tasks. But alas, it seems that my professional driving days have come to a close, and most of my driving is now of the personal nature. I spend so much time on the road these days, that its only fair that I honor my driving with its very own deranged rant....

What do i drive? I drive a car that makes men want to be me, and makes women want to be with me in that very car. I drive a 2002 Purpley (that color is used in the movie "Elf" so its a real color) Ford Taurus which I purchased on the website service known as Ebay. This is not a joke. 2 summers ago I was driving my 1985 Volvo back from Washington Heights with 2 of my associates named Mr. Koegel and Mr. Knoll. Just a side note on this 1985 Volvo- it was my first car, and it had something called a "Turbo" feature thing going on. I have no idea what this thing was supposed to do, but when you drove over 40, something would suddenly click and my head would be jolted to the back of the seat, and I felt like I was going back to the future. And a little light would say "turbo". Cool stuff. Again, girls were very excited to ride in this bad boy. Anyway, as we were driving home, we realized in the following order that:
1) the car had somehow began to flood with water
2) there was black smoke coming out of the hood
3) my playstation 2 was in the car
4) we should get out quickly

To make a very long story short, the car was on fire, we got out, and more importantly - playstation 2 emerged unscathed. The only victim of the fire was a pearl jam concert cd which I was able to replace. The point of this emotional tale is to explain what brought me to the unfortunate position of bidding for a Ford Taurus on ebay. Anyway, when I actually won the bid, I think me and my father , who will now simply be known as "Abba", both had a very similar reaction of: "Oh no, didn't really expect to get the car." So now I have it, and goes with me on all my drives.

Where do i drive? I usually go from Long Island to Philadelphia, and sometimes I do that trip in reverse. Its a great drive b/c most of it is on the NJ Turnpike, where you have lots of fun rest stops to go to. A rest stop is a real nice slice of this great country we call "America" and you get to see that whole melting pot idea at its finest. At any rest stop you can find black people, poor white people, people from the country of asia, 3 or 4 wealthy people, and a chasidic guy. Also, I once ran into my very own set of Grandparents at one of these rest stops. Definetly one of the top 5 "this has to be a dream" moments of my life. But it was great, b/c I got to see them, and got 20 bucks as well. Its important now that I rank my favorite rest stops so that everyone knows which are the best when they are out on the road.
1) "John Fenwick" Service Area: Who the hell is this guy? How did he get one named after him?
2) "Vince Lombardi" Service Area: Football. respect.
3) Walt Whitman Gay Service Area: Poetry and being gay. They usually go together. respect.
4) Clara Barton Service Area: Had to put a woman on list to appease the female readers
5) Richard Stockton Service Area: Father of John Stockton, did a good job in parenting.

The perceptive reader will note that there are already 2 lists of 5 things in this rant.

What do i listen to on the drives? I listen to everything and get to hear all kinds of bizzare shows and commercials. I also listen to the traffic and call in on the jam hotline. Usually the guy will say, "ok judah...where r you, where is the jam?" I'll say "there is no jam pete. I'm just lonely and I need someone to talk to." Pete will then hang up. Sad yet humorous.

On my most recent trip, I heard a very bizzare advertisement. It was for the most amazing gift ever, to really let someone know that you love them. What is this gift? (Drumrollllllllll)
YOU CAN NAME A STAR AFTER THEM. Ummm. excuse me? Thats not a good gift at all. Thats like something you would do for a dead person if you aren't rich enough to name a building after them. Its ok. I named a star after you. Thats very meaningful. Also, who exactly is in charge of naming the stars, and where can I see what all the names are? Is it hard to get names now, b/c all the good names are already taken, like on IM? Lets say I want to tell my girlfriend I love her, so I call up and ask to name a star "Clifford" after her. Will they turn me down and make me change it to "Clifford2". I don't think a girl would be too happy with that at all. Neither would a dead relative.

Be safe on the road.