of mice and non-men

As 3 or more of you may know, I am in the process of interviewing with 5 billion different law firms. These firms each send down a person to philty-delphia, and they proceed to interview 25 people or so in one day. I would go into detail about this grueling process, but I don't think anyone would want to hear about it. In any event, one question that most of these fascinating individuals ask me is "why are your hands so small"? But not really. One question they really do ask is "Why do you want to work at our law firm"? The true answer is that you pay 125,000 dollars in the first year, and we are willing to sell our soul for that price. But you can't answer the truth, so you have to say something about the work being intellectually stimulating and exciting, and the atmosphere being enjoyable or something. In any event, my true answer does involve the money, but there is alot more to it. My true answer to these people involves our furry little friends called "mice."

Its sat night, around 2 am and I am alone in my apartment, b/c my roomate has traveled to new york. I hear them running in the ceiling but I pretend I don't. Instead, I just make the tv louder and louder, and turn on lots of fans, and blast the AC, and hire a marching band to play in my room. Anything to drown out the very uncomfortable sound of scurrying mice above my head in my crappy drop ceiling. As time ticks on, I realize that I am very hungry and thirsty, and could really use a short trip to the kitchen area. But this is not going to happen, b/c I have seen a mouse in there recently, and am worried about seeing it now, by myself. Usually, when my roomate is around, and one of us wants to make a trip to the kitchen we call the other one for "backup". We then both creep very slowly into the kitchen, and one of us usually holds a broom. It is unclear what we would do if a mouse actually zipped across us at this point. I think I would jump into his arms, while he swings the broom wildly, and we both yell together. I'm not sure how this would solve the problem, but i sure as hell will not enter that kitchen without him. Not at 2 am.

My fear of the creatures did not begin here in the U of Penn. My life has been checkered with some disturbing mice-related incidents, starting at around age 10 or so. I was playing in the basement on a sunday morning, with my legos, and my sister was down there also- i think she was watching wee sing in sillyville. By the way, wee sing in sillyville is one of the most enjoyable movies ever made. Anyway, all of a sudden I hear my mom yell out "you son of a bitch, you bastard, and some other choice obsenities. I assumed that a burgler or robber (not sure what the difference between these 2 are...is it the same as between a "ganav" and a "gazlan". For 5 points can anyone tell me which is considered worse, and why? tough stuff) had broken into the house, and I immedietly grabbed my sister and ran into a closet. Now, had this really been a human intruder, this would not have been the wisest of responses. Instead, a better response would have been to dial 911. Anwyay, it turned out that this was a rodent intruder, and my mom was simply much more brave than me, and she was trying to catch the creature while yelling curses at it.

In terms of my choosing to write the words "bitch" in the previous paragraph, instead of b--ch, I can easily rely on the "It really just means female dog rule." I love this rule, but I also love the "my rabbi once said it, so i can also" rule. Unfortunately, i cannot remember any of my rebeim ever saying the word bitch, so I have to rely on the first rule. I did, however once have a rabbi say "i didn't come here to get flucked by you kids!!" So i guess i can say fluck. In any event, I am wondering who decided that bitch actually means a female dog. Also, according to this rule, I should be able to say the "f" word, and the "s" word, b/c they both have alternative meanings which are just normal words. Whatever, just something to think about.

Mice incident #2 occured in the magic world of disney, on a ride called "Honey I shrunk the kids". This is one of those 3d rides which scare the hell out of everyone, but everyone pretends they like it. Anyway, they really go too far in this particular ride. At one point you see mice on the screen, and the next thing you know, they make it feel like they are crawling under your feet. This was the second most terrifying moment of my life (right behind my car igniting on fire while i was in it), and I felt like that dude in 1984 who has the cage of the mice put around his head so they can gnaw at his face. Disturbing s.

There are some other mice sightings later on, such as numerous times in camp hillel, but i am not going to go into all of them. The point of all this is to understand that I have been plagued by these damn things for quite some time now, and I shouldn't have to live in fear of them any more. Yet somehow, i am 22, in law school , and I cant walk into my own kitchen without my roomate as "backup".

And that is why I wanna work at your stupid law firm. I need all those dollars so I can make sure that I have a house in which I never have to see or hear mice. Never.