the science questions.

I am sitting at my computer wearing a tuxedo as I type this pre-wedding rant. I am not getting married, but my long time friend Jon M. is marrying a person. Jon M. is a twin, and the person he is marrying is a triplet. Thats some weird wacky stuff. By the way, I refer to my friend simply as Jon M. to protect his identity and to protect him from being associated with this unsavory website. Unsavory is a strange word that always makes me think of one thing: Slimer from the ghostbusters movies. Now then, I am curious as to how often a twin marries a triplet. I am also trying to figure out the biological difference between the two types of twins. All I remember is the following: You can have the kind of twins wear the egg splits, and then you can have the other kind of twins...but what is that other kind? It can't be that the egg doesn't split, b/c wouldn't that be only one child and not two? Furthermore, what happens with triplets and quadruplets and fivelits? Does the egg simply split into 3,4,or 5? That can't be right, b/c I think that would mean that all the kids would be identical and thats kinda freaky. Thats like cloning. If the triplets at this wedding are all identical, I am gonna be nervous and feel like I am partaking in some type of science experiment. I'm sure they are not identical, so this really isn't a concern for me. But if there are siamese twins at the wedding, I'm outta there.
I guess I am a bit paranoid about going to law school in Penn, b/c I see all these other people in med school and science grad school for things I cannot even begin to understand, and they all seem much smarter than I. Like for example, they can probably answer my question about the different types of twins. There are a few other biological/science things that I am fascinated with and maybe some of you science geniuses can answer them for me:
1) whats the difference between meiosis and mitosis? Are they really the same thing, but different elementary school teachers pronounce them differently? Which one do humans do?
2) Who would win in a fight between the "ameba" and the "paramesium"? I mean, the "ameba" has those arm like structures and thats good for grappling, but the paramesium has those hair-like cilia, which probably means they are gross to fight with...so the ameba is probably uncomfortable with the hairy paramesium. One thing is for SURE- I would pay to watch this fight.
3) what would happen if I didnt have an epiglottis? I love the epiglottis b/c its just a simple flap that opens up when I want to eat my food. But lets say there is no epiglottis at all??? Does it matter, or now its just always open? Basically, what I am asking is - can i cut out my own epiglottis?

As a final thought, I am probably the first person ever to have lit hanukah candles in a tuxedo. So mazel tov to me on that accomplishment.

The fat proctor

Before I begin this disturbing rant, I think it is time for me to tell everyone a joke that I made up on my own. Here goes...Why do the words proctor and proctologist have the same shoresh (root word)? Ready for the answer tp this amazing side-splitting, knee-slapping joke? B/c they are both a pain in the ass!!! ahhh man...where do I come up with this stuff. While I am at it here is one more joke that I thought of while lying in bed between the hours of 4 and 5 am on a random night: Who is the highest paid plumber in the country? The answer - Jake Plumber(plummer)! OK thats it for my jokes, which I have somehow invented on my own. On to the subject at hand...

After the last rant about my study habits and the related distractions, I know that many of you must be thinking and wondering how my finals are going. And if not, I'm going to tell you about them anyway. First of all, I had a final on Sunday morning. There should be some type of universal rule that no tests are allowed to be administered on a Sunday morning. Being that I am a Sabbath observer, the studying was somewhat problematic, and much was left for Saturday evening. On every Saturday night of my entire life, I have not been able to fall asleep before 2:30 AM. Of course, this saturday night proved to be the one exception, and I felt myself drifting away by midnight. I decided to just call it a night, and set my alarm for 6 am, figuring I could just study for 3 hours before the test. This actually ended up working out, but it meant that I had to take the second most depressing walk of my life. Let me make this perfectly clear: there is hardly anything worse than walking in the dark on a sunday morning to a law school library. The one bright spot in this whole thing, was that I saw four Asian adults outside of the Hillel building playing a game of haki-sak. I guess Americans wake up early on Sunday for golf, and Asians wake up early for haki-sak. Very bizzare.

By the way- so whats the most depressing walk of life? About 3 years ago, on a snowy december night, I was at a pal's house fri night, and many other(male and female) acquintences were there as well. It was a real "feast of friends" if you know what I mean. (does anyone know what I mean?, its a jim morrison reference) In any event, I felt kind of ignored and just decided I was going to prove some kind of point and walk out without saying goodbye. About 10 minutes later, one of those snow removing trucks drove by slowly and pelted me in the face with 1 million pieces of salt. At that point, I clearly remember thinking - this is really really bad. I am alone, its cold, its past 1 am, and I just got pelted with salt in the face. Then I made a joke to myself about Lot's wife, and I felt better.

Today I had another final, and there are so many things that got me angry before the test even started. For one thing, the school has all these different proctors and I dont know where they get these people from. I knew I wasn't going to do well today the moment our particular proctor walked in. It was (gasp) the FAT PROCTOR. I am scared of obese women, I'm not going to lie to you. In the Maryland Hillel, there is this scary lady who will not allow any alcholic beverages inside, even on Simchas Torah, and even just for kiddush club. I call her a "fun-ruiner" or "fatso". I don't think "fatso" should be a deragotory term at all, for the record. When I think of a "fatso", I think of a bunch of people yelling out in utter joy "Heyyyy.....fatso is here!!! Beers for everyone!!!!". But maybe an actual fat person would disagree with me on this. In any event, feel free to call me fatso. I like it. Back to fat proctor- whenever I have this lady as my proctor, I do not do well on the tests. She is a bad luck charm for me, and maybe its just because I am terrified of her.

To make matters worse, we take all these finals via some high tech computerized thing, which requires a password to access. I don't know who gets to choose the passwords, but I think its the proctors or some other group of individuals who are trying to annoy me. The passwords chosen are always completely not what one would expect. Appropriate passwords for a law school final would be "hell", "nightmare", "pain in the ass", and "torture." Instead we get these passwords like "sunny", "flowers", and today's special - "Jolly". I guess this was only fitting, b/c most fat people are supposed to be jolly, so fat proctor probably picked it. Of course she then had to make an obvious and annoying joke -something to the effect of "i'm sure all you students are feeling jolly." Ok lady. Thats enough out of you. Please have another poundcake and shut up.

I know I sound bitter and upset, but I should note that one last thing happened before this final to put me in a great, upbeat, positive mood. There is a slight possibility that there are people in the class who have a better work ethic than I do. And it is similarly possible that they are much more prepared for the exams. In particular, there is one individual I know, who is constantly working and preparing for finals. So there is nothing that brings me more joy than watching this person's computer break a minute before the final. What happened buddy? Didn't prepare for that one, did ya? Thats a shame.

I had a big smile on my face after seeing computer disaster befall my peer. This shows that I am a sick individual who enjoys the misfortune of others. But not real or significant misfortune. Just minor things, like computer crashes, and i guess a woman's obesity. Thats Ok, isn't it? And just to prove that I'm not a bad guy - here are two other good other blogs to check out.
www.majorleagueidiot.blogspot.com
www.minksgarbagedump.blogspot com

I gotta study now for 2 more finals, and I will do fine as long as I avoid the fat proctor.

the study distractions

Yes Oh Yes. Its that happy time of year once again. Of course, I am referring to finals! I always found it to be painfully ironic that "Fall Semester Finals" come at the same time as the "holiday season." It seems that the rest of the country is constantly buying presents, decorating trees and houses, and going to special concerts and shows---while students are locking themselves in libraries and pulling all nighters over and over again. Something about this dichotomy strikes me as quite unfair. Nevertheless, I guess at the end of the day, we students will be able to cash in on all these long hours, and enjoy our holiday season with the rest of America. Nevertheless, it sure is bad right now.

Actually, I remember when I spent 3 years and 6 semesters in YU, that all the secular schools had finals, while we just did nothing at all. I would laugh as I read all these people's away messages that said things like "FINALLLS OMG!!!" or "3 down, 1 to go" and other gay things like that. Then I would wonder why I was taking up a significan portion of my day reading other away messages. Then I would get depressed. In any event, YU decided to start finals later than everyone else in the world so that they could give us a "reading week." Its very unclear what the purpose of this week was. Its very bizzare that the one school that does not need to give extra preparation time for study, gives an entire week. I know that in law school, we aren't getting any such "reading week", and I sure could use one right about now. Which brings me to my next point - all the distractions that I am battling today.

Mom- I know you want me to study hard and do well, and even I must admit- I also want to do well. So I knew that this day was going to be a non-stop study marathon. I have planned a strategic break at 6:30-10 to play basketball and fulfill everyone's favorite halachah of "U'shmartem es nafshoseychem". Other activities that can fulfill this Halachah include: 12 hours of sleep (b/c u need your sleep), watching a few hours of tv (mental health break), and not smoking. That was a fun list, except for the non-smoking part. Anyway, I decided that I would study in the "Graduate Student Lounge" in the Hillel. This is where I have been studying for the past few weeks, and the room has proven to be quite the study-conducive enviRONment. Besides having desks, wireless, and comfy chairs, there are also couches for me to pass out on when I cannot take this anymore.

But today just isn't going the way I planned. It seems that everytime I get a nice flow going, some weird distraction thwarts my efforts. I've only been here for about 5 and a half hours, and I have already encountered the following weird s:
1) Angry black janitor: My encounter with this fellow started after shacharis when someone asked me the date, and I said the 14th. The janitor yelled out: NO- its the 13th!, and then glared at me. It might be his birthday or he might just hate me b/c i am a small white man. Later on, I was eating an everything bagel and lox spread (tradition..1 person gets that) when I was treated to a lecture from this man about not eating in this room, and cleaning up after myself. For the remainder of the day, the janitor has hovered around menacingly outside the room and has mouthed obsenities at me.
2) Girls studying near me: Impossible to focus b/c get stuck staring at the attractive or even the semi-attractive ones. Seems like studying environment somehow lowers standards and suddenly I find 900 pd. girls to be very beatiful. Also, whenever I put my head back in my books and highlight away, I always keep thinking "maybe the girl is looking at me right now...I gotta look cool here with my highlighter...cool, yet dilligent...maybe if i tilt my cap a little...maybe if i pretend the highlighter is a cigarette and smoke it...wait, girls don't think smoking is cool...crap, did she see me use the highlighter as a fake cigarette?
I really wish I was making the above "thought process" up, but I promise it occured earlier today. I need to check into a mental hospital.
3) The most inconsiderate lady ever and her nerdy little kid: You won't even believe me if i told you what is going on right now. Earlier, at around 10:34 a.m, some nerdy looking lady and her clone-kid walked in here so that the kid can watch the t.v. (oh yeah, there is a t.v in here also, which might be why I like this room-seriously, i should just live here). Anyway, the T.V was thankfully locked, so they went away. But they returned with another lady who opened up the cabinet and the kid has been here watching T.V. ever since. Was I studying in here before your damn little kid wanted to watch t.v???? The lady did not even glance in my direction, she just threw the kid on a chair and he has been here ever since. Am i invisible? To make matters worse there appears to be a "Steve Harvey Show" marathon on right now, and for some reason a nerdy little jewish kid has picked this as the thing he wants to watch. How am I supposed to study tax law when the amazing Steve Harvey show is on???

The moral of the story is to study in the library where none of this can happen. And thats where I'm going right now. Actually, there are still girls to stare at there. F, I gotta get one of those booths where all you can do is stare at the wall. I gotta go, another great show, the Drew Carey Show is coming on.

Double Shot Zeicher, new washing rule, and exotic salads.

In my last rant, I discussed my saturday night activities, and included a brief examination of what I called "The Saturday Night Dillema". This was not the first time I have discussed Saturday Night in detail, as you may recall an early rant entitled "An Introspective One....Sorry". Anyway, it occured to me recently that I have yet to discuss Friday Night- and that hardly seems fair. After all, Friday Night is the holy Sabbath, and definetly deserves its own rant....

I guess back in the good ole days of my teenage years, fri night was a pretty simple formula. You go to shul, you go home and eat with your family, and you lie on the couch and read a book untill you pass out. After I went to Israel for the year, the formula remained almost the same. Now, the book or Sports Illustrated was replaced with a sefer, and the time until I passed out was reduced significantly. The only time I really veered from this formula was if I would visit my friends in their respective secular universities. But now, here I am- spending some time at one of these universities my self. And the truth is, the Friday nights here are not like they are at home, and they are not like they were when I visitied my pals in Binghamton, Maryland, Rutgers, etc. They are simply very very awkward.

I need not look further than this past friday night to prove my point. Usually what happens during the week, is that you get invited to someone's house for meals. I have already made up my mind to no longer accept lunch invitations. If you are reading this, and you go to Penn, do not invite me for lunch. On a short sabbath, these lunches signal the immediete end of all possible nap time. I would much rather get a normal nap and eat a challah roll by myself, then eat a large meal and not get to sleep at all. Anyway, for Friday night- this problem does not exist, and I found myself going out for one of these large meals as usual.

One problem with these meals is that they create burdens before they even begin. Like you will get the invitation to the meal, but then you will get a list two days later of things you are supposed to bring. Luckily, this time I was simply instructed to get a "Handle of Vodka", which I felt was a perfectly reasonable request. But sometimes these requests can be out of control. In fact, the whole idea of asking people to bring things to your meal seems a little bizzare and twisted. On the other hand, its kinda unfair to make the host buy/make every single thing at a student meal of 20 people. Therefore, the solution should be a guest-initiated offer to bring things. The guests should always ask, what can I make to help out? or what can I buy for you? Or how many handles of vodka do you want? You get the idea.

But the much larger problem is the awkwardness that can occur at these meals, and I guess at Friday night meals in general. Last week, we had some guy make kiddush (which was already a plus, b/c it coulda been a girl..thats happened before- and I always end up trying to stop myself from cracking up and just making an odd constapated face). Still, this guy decided he needed to make a nice fancy tune, and also for some reason which I will NEVER fully understand said "Zeicher, and then in a weird high note- ZEICHER, Masaey Breishis". Umm. Last time I checked there is only one "zeicher" there buddy. Thats a double word infraction. I know your not supposed to do that in davening, which is why some people have the annoying minhag during Hallel of singing "Mey'atahhh v'addd olam....Na Naay Nayy Naayyy Nayyy Nayyyy....Hallelllukah". Actually, in that case, I think its better just to repeat the words again, b/c I think the Nay Nayiiiing just bothers G-d. But i don't actually know that for a fact. Nevertheless, this guy's double Zeicher dip really annoyed me- and that I do know for a fact.

And then came the endless procession to the washing sink. As my friend Joe astutely pointed out, "you can't be polite after you wash". (Unless its Urchatz at the seder). This was incredibly awkward at this meal, b/c a girl host lady was handing us paper towels, but we couldn't say thank you when we ripped them out of her talons. Also, when we were trying to get by our seat, we couldn't say excuse me when shoving the people out of the way. Luckily though, I have a great solution for this problem. Everyone knows about that rule that says something like you can talk after you wash as long as your asking for the salt. So, in order to be polite...why not just try adding a salt request to the end of your polite thank you's and excuse me's. Something like this: "Thank you for the salt towel". Or "Please move in your salt chair so i can get by." Works like a charm.

And then the meal starts. And inevitably you are a guinee pig, forced to eat all types of bizzare salads b/c no girl will simply make a plain salad. Please just give me a bowl of lettuce. And cabbage. And tomatoes- but only the thinly sliced ones from the middle of the tomatoe. I don't like the ends at all, b/c of that black dot at the end. Also some thinly sliced cucumbers would be good if i can't see the seeds. Thats all I ask. I don't know why everyone feels the need to come up with the craziest salads of all time. First of all, its more work for you-the makers of the salad. Second of all- me-the eater of the salad- wants to know what I am eating. I don't want the unpleasant surprise of finding a strawberry in my salad, and then having to spit it into my napkin when nobody is looking, only to find out later that the most attractive girl (obviously sitting at the other end of the table) actually saw me spit the food into the napkin.

Thats about it. The meal then goes for 5 or 6 hours and you feel like you are in prison. Only in prison you can get a much simpler salad. I just realized thats a pun. Ok. Goodbye for now.