Double Shot Zeicher, new washing rule, and exotic salads.

In my last rant, I discussed my saturday night activities, and included a brief examination of what I called "The Saturday Night Dillema". This was not the first time I have discussed Saturday Night in detail, as you may recall an early rant entitled "An Introspective One....Sorry". Anyway, it occured to me recently that I have yet to discuss Friday Night- and that hardly seems fair. After all, Friday Night is the holy Sabbath, and definetly deserves its own rant....

I guess back in the good ole days of my teenage years, fri night was a pretty simple formula. You go to shul, you go home and eat with your family, and you lie on the couch and read a book untill you pass out. After I went to Israel for the year, the formula remained almost the same. Now, the book or Sports Illustrated was replaced with a sefer, and the time until I passed out was reduced significantly. The only time I really veered from this formula was if I would visit my friends in their respective secular universities. But now, here I am- spending some time at one of these universities my self. And the truth is, the Friday nights here are not like they are at home, and they are not like they were when I visitied my pals in Binghamton, Maryland, Rutgers, etc. They are simply very very awkward.

I need not look further than this past friday night to prove my point. Usually what happens during the week, is that you get invited to someone's house for meals. I have already made up my mind to no longer accept lunch invitations. If you are reading this, and you go to Penn, do not invite me for lunch. On a short sabbath, these lunches signal the immediete end of all possible nap time. I would much rather get a normal nap and eat a challah roll by myself, then eat a large meal and not get to sleep at all. Anyway, for Friday night- this problem does not exist, and I found myself going out for one of these large meals as usual.

One problem with these meals is that they create burdens before they even begin. Like you will get the invitation to the meal, but then you will get a list two days later of things you are supposed to bring. Luckily, this time I was simply instructed to get a "Handle of Vodka", which I felt was a perfectly reasonable request. But sometimes these requests can be out of control. In fact, the whole idea of asking people to bring things to your meal seems a little bizzare and twisted. On the other hand, its kinda unfair to make the host buy/make every single thing at a student meal of 20 people. Therefore, the solution should be a guest-initiated offer to bring things. The guests should always ask, what can I make to help out? or what can I buy for you? Or how many handles of vodka do you want? You get the idea.

But the much larger problem is the awkwardness that can occur at these meals, and I guess at Friday night meals in general. Last week, we had some guy make kiddush (which was already a plus, b/c it coulda been a girl..thats happened before- and I always end up trying to stop myself from cracking up and just making an odd constapated face). Still, this guy decided he needed to make a nice fancy tune, and also for some reason which I will NEVER fully understand said "Zeicher, and then in a weird high note- ZEICHER, Masaey Breishis". Umm. Last time I checked there is only one "zeicher" there buddy. Thats a double word infraction. I know your not supposed to do that in davening, which is why some people have the annoying minhag during Hallel of singing "Mey'atahhh v'addd olam....Na Naay Nayy Naayyy Nayyy Nayyyy....Hallelllukah". Actually, in that case, I think its better just to repeat the words again, b/c I think the Nay Nayiiiing just bothers G-d. But i don't actually know that for a fact. Nevertheless, this guy's double Zeicher dip really annoyed me- and that I do know for a fact.

And then came the endless procession to the washing sink. As my friend Joe astutely pointed out, "you can't be polite after you wash". (Unless its Urchatz at the seder). This was incredibly awkward at this meal, b/c a girl host lady was handing us paper towels, but we couldn't say thank you when we ripped them out of her talons. Also, when we were trying to get by our seat, we couldn't say excuse me when shoving the people out of the way. Luckily though, I have a great solution for this problem. Everyone knows about that rule that says something like you can talk after you wash as long as your asking for the salt. So, in order to be polite...why not just try adding a salt request to the end of your polite thank you's and excuse me's. Something like this: "Thank you for the salt towel". Or "Please move in your salt chair so i can get by." Works like a charm.

And then the meal starts. And inevitably you are a guinee pig, forced to eat all types of bizzare salads b/c no girl will simply make a plain salad. Please just give me a bowl of lettuce. And cabbage. And tomatoes- but only the thinly sliced ones from the middle of the tomatoe. I don't like the ends at all, b/c of that black dot at the end. Also some thinly sliced cucumbers would be good if i can't see the seeds. Thats all I ask. I don't know why everyone feels the need to come up with the craziest salads of all time. First of all, its more work for you-the makers of the salad. Second of all- me-the eater of the salad- wants to know what I am eating. I don't want the unpleasant surprise of finding a strawberry in my salad, and then having to spit it into my napkin when nobody is looking, only to find out later that the most attractive girl (obviously sitting at the other end of the table) actually saw me spit the food into the napkin.

Thats about it. The meal then goes for 5 or 6 hours and you feel like you are in prison. Only in prison you can get a much simpler salad. I just realized thats a pun. Ok. Goodbye for now.