The fat proctor

Before I begin this disturbing rant, I think it is time for me to tell everyone a joke that I made up on my own. Here goes...Why do the words proctor and proctologist have the same shoresh (root word)? Ready for the answer tp this amazing side-splitting, knee-slapping joke? B/c they are both a pain in the ass!!! ahhh man...where do I come up with this stuff. While I am at it here is one more joke that I thought of while lying in bed between the hours of 4 and 5 am on a random night: Who is the highest paid plumber in the country? The answer - Jake Plumber(plummer)! OK thats it for my jokes, which I have somehow invented on my own. On to the subject at hand...

After the last rant about my study habits and the related distractions, I know that many of you must be thinking and wondering how my finals are going. And if not, I'm going to tell you about them anyway. First of all, I had a final on Sunday morning. There should be some type of universal rule that no tests are allowed to be administered on a Sunday morning. Being that I am a Sabbath observer, the studying was somewhat problematic, and much was left for Saturday evening. On every Saturday night of my entire life, I have not been able to fall asleep before 2:30 AM. Of course, this saturday night proved to be the one exception, and I felt myself drifting away by midnight. I decided to just call it a night, and set my alarm for 6 am, figuring I could just study for 3 hours before the test. This actually ended up working out, but it meant that I had to take the second most depressing walk of my life. Let me make this perfectly clear: there is hardly anything worse than walking in the dark on a sunday morning to a law school library. The one bright spot in this whole thing, was that I saw four Asian adults outside of the Hillel building playing a game of haki-sak. I guess Americans wake up early on Sunday for golf, and Asians wake up early for haki-sak. Very bizzare.

By the way- so whats the most depressing walk of life? About 3 years ago, on a snowy december night, I was at a pal's house fri night, and many other(male and female) acquintences were there as well. It was a real "feast of friends" if you know what I mean. (does anyone know what I mean?, its a jim morrison reference) In any event, I felt kind of ignored and just decided I was going to prove some kind of point and walk out without saying goodbye. About 10 minutes later, one of those snow removing trucks drove by slowly and pelted me in the face with 1 million pieces of salt. At that point, I clearly remember thinking - this is really really bad. I am alone, its cold, its past 1 am, and I just got pelted with salt in the face. Then I made a joke to myself about Lot's wife, and I felt better.

Today I had another final, and there are so many things that got me angry before the test even started. For one thing, the school has all these different proctors and I dont know where they get these people from. I knew I wasn't going to do well today the moment our particular proctor walked in. It was (gasp) the FAT PROCTOR. I am scared of obese women, I'm not going to lie to you. In the Maryland Hillel, there is this scary lady who will not allow any alcholic beverages inside, even on Simchas Torah, and even just for kiddush club. I call her a "fun-ruiner" or "fatso". I don't think "fatso" should be a deragotory term at all, for the record. When I think of a "fatso", I think of a bunch of people yelling out in utter joy "Heyyyy.....fatso is here!!! Beers for everyone!!!!". But maybe an actual fat person would disagree with me on this. In any event, feel free to call me fatso. I like it. Back to fat proctor- whenever I have this lady as my proctor, I do not do well on the tests. She is a bad luck charm for me, and maybe its just because I am terrified of her.

To make matters worse, we take all these finals via some high tech computerized thing, which requires a password to access. I don't know who gets to choose the passwords, but I think its the proctors or some other group of individuals who are trying to annoy me. The passwords chosen are always completely not what one would expect. Appropriate passwords for a law school final would be "hell", "nightmare", "pain in the ass", and "torture." Instead we get these passwords like "sunny", "flowers", and today's special - "Jolly". I guess this was only fitting, b/c most fat people are supposed to be jolly, so fat proctor probably picked it. Of course she then had to make an obvious and annoying joke -something to the effect of "i'm sure all you students are feeling jolly." Ok lady. Thats enough out of you. Please have another poundcake and shut up.

I know I sound bitter and upset, but I should note that one last thing happened before this final to put me in a great, upbeat, positive mood. There is a slight possibility that there are people in the class who have a better work ethic than I do. And it is similarly possible that they are much more prepared for the exams. In particular, there is one individual I know, who is constantly working and preparing for finals. So there is nothing that brings me more joy than watching this person's computer break a minute before the final. What happened buddy? Didn't prepare for that one, did ya? Thats a shame.

I had a big smile on my face after seeing computer disaster befall my peer. This shows that I am a sick individual who enjoys the misfortune of others. But not real or significant misfortune. Just minor things, like computer crashes, and i guess a woman's obesity. Thats Ok, isn't it? And just to prove that I'm not a bad guy - here are two other good other blogs to check out.
www.majorleagueidiot.blogspot.com
www.minksgarbagedump.blogspot com

I gotta study now for 2 more finals, and I will do fine as long as I avoid the fat proctor.