penalty box meltdown

This is one of the few times that I am going to rant solely out of boredom. Usually, I have a specific idea swerling around my averege sized head, and i use the rant to develop it and make it even weirder. But this time, its Saturday night, and I am doing absolutely nothing, so what better time then to write a bizzare rant that will entertain millions (and millions) of fadermaniacs out there. Ok getting carried away to fantasy land again.

Its not exactly true that I am doing absolutely nothing. "Mom" got me this new Ipod Nano, which is perfect for me, b/c its remarkably small as compared to other Ipods, and my hands are remarkably small as compared with other human hands. So proportionally, the ipod nano looks perfectly normal in my small and cute hand. Another point I must make about this device is that whenever i say the name, i can't just say "nano", but am forced to say "Nano-Nano" - like that guy from Mork and Mindy. I guess the guy was mork, b/c it wasn't mindy. So, I mean- like Mork, from Mork and Mindy. Anyway, I have spent the night downloading songs from my cd collection onto my computer, and then onto the ipod nano-nano. One person told me that I can just do my "work" while i download the cds, and just change them when I am ready. But of course, I just sit and watch each song download and then look up the lyrics, and read them, and think of weird stuff, and dont do any work. Great. Additionally, this was the first time that I could go through every CD I own, and I found some real weird stuff here. I got a CD "Deep Blue Something", which I must have bought just for that "Breakfast at Tiffany's song" which still reminds me of this girl i liked in 8th grade, for a reason I'll never fully understand. I also found an "Everclear" CD (yes, i admit to this) and a Yehudah! CD. Only one Jewish singer deserves an exclamation point, and his name is Shwecky. Sit down Yehudah.

I was in my hometown for the sabbath, and it made me remember why I like this place so much. I'm not talking about seeing my family and friends...thats a give-in. I'm talking about the strange moments that will inevitably occur when partaking in the service in the YIWH. Allow me to elaborate. I usually go to the "young adults" minyan which starts at 9 am. This means that my target time for arrival is 9:20, as per the "comfortable lateness" rule. However, I had an "aufruf" this Shabbos, so i was forced to go to the "main minyan" with all the older adults, which starts at 8:45. As per the rule, I should have arrived promptly at 9:05, but I arrived at 9:20 anyway. I know what you're thinking: "Where is your commitment to G-d, Fades?" Actually, I don't know if anyone was thinking that. Whatever. The point is that I suffered some great consequences for this lateness.

You see, in the main shul, there is a section in the back with a machitzah which was originally intended for handicapped women who cannot go upstairs to the true women's section. But for some reason, this section is only used for that purpose on the high holidays. Does this mean that handicapped women only come to shul on these days? What about handicapped men? Unclear. Either way, on regular shabbosim, the "penalty box" as we like to call it, is occupied by 1) young people afraid to sit with other older fatter people 2) late people 3)strange people 4) talkers. Note that I fit into all 4 of these categories, so I was a sure-fire candidate for a davening in the penalty box. But today, the penalty box produced a truly interesting incident. The Rabbi was giving the speech, and all was silent. Even the "talkers" become "sleepers" during the speech. Its a magical transformation! Anyway, this time, the dude in front of me starts snoring really loud. I mean, this was like a snore from a gorilla or something. What made the whole thing even more crazy was that a black hat guy had just sat in the penalty box, b/c he wanted to hear the speech, and had probably davened at 5 am or something pious like that. And the second, literally, this black hat guy sits down, the other guy starts snoring. Meanwhile, you got me and 3 other clowns in the back cracking up beyond belief. And we are trying to disguise the laughing so that it sounds like coughing or sneezing. There is no great end to this story. The Rabbi, and the other congregants managed to ignore the commotion from the penalty box. Maybe they just thought collectively "Nothing normal ever happens in the penalty box anyway." For that matter, Nothing normal ever happens in west hempstead anyway either.

Later on, there was a kiddush, and some girl I was talking to was eating salad of the "ceaser" variety. Now I love a good bowl of lettuce anyday, especially if it has the ceaser stuff on it. This time however, the girl asks me if I want the rest. I must have said something like "I love that salad, give it to me" to prompt her to make this offer. Anyway, now I am standing here with a plate of salad, which begs two important questions: 1- Was i supposed to accept that offer and eat her leftover salad? B/c she was kinda surprised when I just grabbed the plate and began to eat. 2- Is it socially acceptable for a young single male to be seen at a "fleishik" kiddush, and be only eating salad. Should my sexuality be called into question based on the facts i have just presented to you. Keep in mind that I also have seen "The Notebook" more than once, and one of those times I was by myself. thats it for tonight. GN

the tipping point

I'd like to commence this rant by wishing a very happy Chol Ha'moed Sukkas to my YU modern orthodox readers, a Gut Moyed to my more Yeshivish readers, a Happy Chol Ha'moed Sukkot to my readers in secular colleges who try to pronounce everything with a fake Israeli accent, and a Happy Tabernacles to my unaffiliated readers. Hope I covered everyone with that.

I always love the Intermediate days of the long holidays, b/c of the unclear Halachic implications that accompany them. I have heard everything from "you cannot do any work at all on Chol Hamoed", to "you can do absolutely everything on chol ha'moed." I think the truth is somewhere in between. All I know is that a lot of really frum people like to go to the zoo now, and that I should be writing this rant with a "shinuy". I guess the only way I can really do that is by typing with my left hand. There is a guy in my class in law school who only has 1 arm, so I wonder how he would approach this shinuy problem. Maybe he would try to type with the stump part of the cut off arm, but maybe he gets immunity from this halachah b/c of his disability. It might be a moot point b/c I dont think he is Jewish, but its fun to think about if your deranged. As a side point, I would like to add that I bet this guy had no problem getting a job at any law firm. I can see the conversation in the hiring commitee's office going something like this:
"Lets see, this guy has 1 arm. Umm. Frank...How many one armed attorneys do we currently have in the office? OH, zero? Really...thats not good for our statistics. Lets give this guy the job so we can say we have a one armed guy working here".

I know the previous discussion made me sound insincere and callous, but I am merely attempting to point out some of the inherent advantages that can come up for someone with one arm. I definetly still feel sympathetic for this individual and his disability.

Switching gears now, I was on one of my famous east coast trips this past weekend. This time the destination was Baltimore MD. On my way back, I saw the little red/orange (color blind with that kinda stuff) gas tank sign light up, and realized that I probably only had anywhere from 10 minutes to 10 hours of driving time left. Naturally, I continued to check the light evey 3 seconds, started to panic, and eventually pulled into a "full service" gas station in Delaware. I had no idea what i was in for.

Out rushes a nice young caucasion with a badly shaped mustache, and he apologizes for being late. My thoughts included: "Late for what?" ; "is this guy going to murder me"; and "I feel bad for this guy." Anyway, I tell him i want 20 bucks regular, b/c for some reason i only put in 20 bucks every time. Not sure what the reason of this fades minhag is. And while this is going on, the young buckaroo immedietly begins washing my car so that its completley spick and span. (can i say that? Hispanic and span? terrible) Anyway, my windshield is completely clear now, and its like a whole new amazing driving experience. But the problem is that I only payed the guy the 20 bucks and I felt like I should have given him 21 bucks, but didnt have any singles. I saw a tear roll down his cheek as i handed him the 20, and I quickly stepped on the pedal, leaving him there in the dust.

This all just gets me thinking now...I dont understand how this society has decided who gets tips and who doesnt. The top tip-getters are: 1)waiter 2)Barber/haircutter person 3) Parking garage dude, but which one? The one in the booth, the one that gets car, both? Whatever. I was talking to my cousin about this pressing issue, and he said that maybe the tip is based on going beyond the "letter of the law." From now on , this will be referred to as the "Middas Chasidus Tipping theory". But, in practicality, i dont see this theory working out. We tip our waiters for simply bringing the food, and I dont know how they can make that into a "middas Chasidus", unless they give u a massage or they are one of those awesome waiters that always fill your cups up with water the second it gets empty. Actually, thats the bus boy or other dude that does that, so really he should get the tip. Strange. And as for the barber and parking garage guy- they dont do anything beyond simply doing their job!

Therefore, I would like to suggest another possible theory called the "Control theory of tipping". The three groups I have discussed above all have immense control over important things in our lives. The waiter can poison our food, the barber can cut off our head, and the parking man can crash our car. (Important caveat - has anyone EVER seen a woman working in a parking garage). B/c we are so worried about these things, and we are so thankful when they are performed without harm, we feel the need to give a little something extra in gratitude. The only hole in this theory is the hypothetical case of a doctor performing surgery. Lets say Aunt Ethel's triple bypass goes well, and all the ventricles and aortas are good to go. Shouldn't she give the Doctor 5 bucks or something, as a sign of ultimate gratitude for not killing her??? But thats what makes this a great theory - all great theories have some holes.

I dont know why I think of things like this. Happy Sukkos.

repentance rant...unclear how to spell repentence

This is it everyone, its the 10 days of repentance...a time when I really believe that everyone has at least a minute of introspective thought cross through their head. Sometimes it can be even more, depending on who u r. Whatever...thats for everyone's own personal stuff, not for now.

I'll tell you what I like about Rosh Hashana, and you can agree or disagree. First of all, I am hesitant to even write this, b/c I am afraid that it will be mis-conceived or taken to be a mocking of the Holiday. Thats the last thing I intend to do here; rather I intend to present an honest and possibly humourous approach to my personal experience with the High Holy Days. Hopefully, you all can relate to some of the stuff I say.

Lets start with one thing I dislike - the fact that the secular name is called "High Holy Days", which enables all these different organizations to put out pamphlets and posters w/ slogans like "Its time to get High---spiritually" or something to that effect. I view that as a real lame slogan, and its annoying that these people think I'll be more interested in going to their speeches b/c I can now try and associate them with marajuana. If the speech is about Teshuvah then tell me its a speech about that. And if its about smoking pot, then tell me its a speech about that. But dont mix them together and tell me I'm gonna get high when I go to a shiur.

But even more annoying then these type of slogans, is the raisans in the challah. Is everyone with me on this one??? Challah is such a great treat, especially now that they have breakaway, and you can pretend u are a rugged caveman and tear it apart piece by piece. And its an even more special tasty treat during this season, when we get to dip it in the honey. Its the second best tasting food-bite for bite- right behind a glazed krispy kreme donut. But its so terrible when this entire experience is ruined by the presence of raisens which are hidden throghout the challah. Raisens look like bugs, and I don't want to eat anything that resembles a bug. And b/c they like to hide deep in the challah, sometimes you don't even have warning that you are about to bite into one. That is the worst feeling ever...if you are enjoying your challah and then there is suddenly an ant-like raisen in your mouth, and you are forced to vomit at the table.

Enough negativity. One great thing about this time is the tiered system of forgiveness/new years wishes you get before the holiday. Now there are a few tiers here, so stay with me closely. Top tier is a personal meeting before the holiday, but this is difficult and uncommon, due to logistics and busy-ness before the holiday. Second tier is really solid - and its the phonecall. If someone calls you to say the wishes and forgiveness thing, it probably means they r very sincere about it. They know they will have to talk to you or your voicemail, and they are willing to do that. This means they cannot be generic and say the same thing to everyone, or else they will sound robotic and foolish. Third tier is the text message, and also deserves some credit...b/c its annoying to type out the message, b/c each button can either be capital, lower case, or a #, and sometimes u have to switch to make the sentence correct. A good way to assess the sincerity of the text message is a 3-prong test. Part 1- length: if its longer its probably more meaningful. Part 2- punctuation: did the person capitalize at the beginning of sentences, and use commas and periods. No dangling modifiers! I dont know what that means. Part 3- individuality- does the text message seem like its directed towards you, or could it be one general text message that the person sent out to everyone on their phone. hmm.. gets you thinking. Anyway, the last tier is the IM, but it still deserves credit, b/c it does mean the person is making an effort to say happy new year and beg for your forgiveness. But something has to be the last tier, and IM takes it.

I also like the tunes used in shul, and sometimes i sing them to myself at random points during the year. I mean like at 3 am on a saturday night or something.

Actually, now that i think about it, maybe the last tier is asking forgiveness on your blog: So if I have hurt or offended anyone by doing anything, I really apologize. I wish everyone a great year filled with only good. I'm choked up.

-[name redacted so that it stops appearing in google searches]