penalty box meltdown

This is one of the few times that I am going to rant solely out of boredom. Usually, I have a specific idea swerling around my averege sized head, and i use the rant to develop it and make it even weirder. But this time, its Saturday night, and I am doing absolutely nothing, so what better time then to write a bizzare rant that will entertain millions (and millions) of fadermaniacs out there. Ok getting carried away to fantasy land again.

Its not exactly true that I am doing absolutely nothing. "Mom" got me this new Ipod Nano, which is perfect for me, b/c its remarkably small as compared to other Ipods, and my hands are remarkably small as compared with other human hands. So proportionally, the ipod nano looks perfectly normal in my small and cute hand. Another point I must make about this device is that whenever i say the name, i can't just say "nano", but am forced to say "Nano-Nano" - like that guy from Mork and Mindy. I guess the guy was mork, b/c it wasn't mindy. So, I mean- like Mork, from Mork and Mindy. Anyway, I have spent the night downloading songs from my cd collection onto my computer, and then onto the ipod nano-nano. One person told me that I can just do my "work" while i download the cds, and just change them when I am ready. But of course, I just sit and watch each song download and then look up the lyrics, and read them, and think of weird stuff, and dont do any work. Great. Additionally, this was the first time that I could go through every CD I own, and I found some real weird stuff here. I got a CD "Deep Blue Something", which I must have bought just for that "Breakfast at Tiffany's song" which still reminds me of this girl i liked in 8th grade, for a reason I'll never fully understand. I also found an "Everclear" CD (yes, i admit to this) and a Yehudah! CD. Only one Jewish singer deserves an exclamation point, and his name is Shwecky. Sit down Yehudah.

I was in my hometown for the sabbath, and it made me remember why I like this place so much. I'm not talking about seeing my family and friends...thats a give-in. I'm talking about the strange moments that will inevitably occur when partaking in the service in the YIWH. Allow me to elaborate. I usually go to the "young adults" minyan which starts at 9 am. This means that my target time for arrival is 9:20, as per the "comfortable lateness" rule. However, I had an "aufruf" this Shabbos, so i was forced to go to the "main minyan" with all the older adults, which starts at 8:45. As per the rule, I should have arrived promptly at 9:05, but I arrived at 9:20 anyway. I know what you're thinking: "Where is your commitment to G-d, Fades?" Actually, I don't know if anyone was thinking that. Whatever. The point is that I suffered some great consequences for this lateness.

You see, in the main shul, there is a section in the back with a machitzah which was originally intended for handicapped women who cannot go upstairs to the true women's section. But for some reason, this section is only used for that purpose on the high holidays. Does this mean that handicapped women only come to shul on these days? What about handicapped men? Unclear. Either way, on regular shabbosim, the "penalty box" as we like to call it, is occupied by 1) young people afraid to sit with other older fatter people 2) late people 3)strange people 4) talkers. Note that I fit into all 4 of these categories, so I was a sure-fire candidate for a davening in the penalty box. But today, the penalty box produced a truly interesting incident. The Rabbi was giving the speech, and all was silent. Even the "talkers" become "sleepers" during the speech. Its a magical transformation! Anyway, this time, the dude in front of me starts snoring really loud. I mean, this was like a snore from a gorilla or something. What made the whole thing even more crazy was that a black hat guy had just sat in the penalty box, b/c he wanted to hear the speech, and had probably davened at 5 am or something pious like that. And the second, literally, this black hat guy sits down, the other guy starts snoring. Meanwhile, you got me and 3 other clowns in the back cracking up beyond belief. And we are trying to disguise the laughing so that it sounds like coughing or sneezing. There is no great end to this story. The Rabbi, and the other congregants managed to ignore the commotion from the penalty box. Maybe they just thought collectively "Nothing normal ever happens in the penalty box anyway." For that matter, Nothing normal ever happens in west hempstead anyway either.

Later on, there was a kiddush, and some girl I was talking to was eating salad of the "ceaser" variety. Now I love a good bowl of lettuce anyday, especially if it has the ceaser stuff on it. This time however, the girl asks me if I want the rest. I must have said something like "I love that salad, give it to me" to prompt her to make this offer. Anyway, now I am standing here with a plate of salad, which begs two important questions: 1- Was i supposed to accept that offer and eat her leftover salad? B/c she was kinda surprised when I just grabbed the plate and began to eat. 2- Is it socially acceptable for a young single male to be seen at a "fleishik" kiddush, and be only eating salad. Should my sexuality be called into question based on the facts i have just presented to you. Keep in mind that I also have seen "The Notebook" more than once, and one of those times I was by myself. thats it for tonight. GN