the cooking disability.

Let me start by saying that I actually wrote this rant on some sheets of paper at my law firm orientation some time last week. I'm not gonna mention the name of the law firm, b/c then it will somehow get back to the head honchos (or regular honchos), and they will find out that instead of paying attention to their interesting words and advice, I was writing a rant about how I have no idea how to cook food and trying to justify this "disability" somehow. They will then go through my desk and find these sheets of paper on which I wrote this very rant, and they will use it against me and fire me for being a bad worker. They will then sell the rant at one of those auctions once I become famous in 31 years.

The reason I wrote this rant was because I was thinking about shabbos last thursday. Don't get the wrong idea folks- this does not mean that I am a super-pious person that thinks about Shabbos all week long or anything of that sort. In fact, we all know (or maybe just a few of us) that the proper time to begin thinking about the Sabbath is during the Shir Shel Yom Prayer of the Wed-ness-day Morning service, and this is the reason we say "L'Chu N'Ranenah". But to be honest, I'm not thinking like that at all, I'm usually thinking somethig to the effect of "Why is davening so long" or "i'd rather be asleep right now". Nevertheless, on thursday- especially late thursday- it is definetly time to start thinking about Shabbos, at least in regards to Shabbos plans.

I decided to go to the Upper West Side ("UWS") to the Steen family. Everyone should visit them as they are a nice group of young men. Now of course, the main issue with this: Meals- what would we do for them, who would cook them, etc. Luckily, everyone else involved basically took care of every type of food item, and I was left buying scotch as a contribution, but only because I felt guilty for not contributing anything else. And this cooking-associated guilt is something I've struggled with for quite some time now. IN Penn, it is the same deal. Everyone- male and female alike - contribute and cook foodstuffs, and I am usually either buying beer, scotch, or paper plates. Sometimes I buy the nicer paper plates, but I still feel like a jerk for eating all the food that everyone else made.

This cooking "disability" has hurt me in other ways, and the most recent example occured a mere 2 weeks ago at home in Western Hempstead. It was just me and Abba for Shabbos, and neither of us were gonna cook anything. Such being the case, Mom provided me with a list of things to buy from Gourmet Glatt so that we can have food to eat. One crucial item on the list was a BBQ chicken - cut into quarters. It all sounded easy enough, but when I got to the counter, the guy told me the BBQ chickens were too hot to be cut right now b/c as he put it
"We only sell fresh chicken". In my head I thought : "This guy is bragging about BBQ chicken...that is bizzare". Anyway, I told him that Mom had insisted on it being cut into quarters and I would not buy it unless that was the case. He finally complied with my annoying pleadings, only to BURN HIS HAND. I wouldn't have ever noticed this, b/c I don't pay attention to the hardship or pain of anyone else but myself, but he made a point of mentioning this to me. Upon handing me my BBQ Chicken, cut into quarters, he stated: "You are a little spoiled Jew, and I am a poor Spaniard. I burnt my hand off cutting your chicken into quarters. I wish you would have cut it yourself, but you have no real skills." I think he went a little over the top here, but the moral of this whole story, is that if I was simply able to cook- this whole awkward type of guilt would be completely avoided.

So why don't I cook, and why won't I ever cook? By the way, this goes for baking, broiling, boiling, grilling, and anything else done in the kitchen as well. One answer for this behavior, as told to me by Abba, is that just like we don't make our own clothes, but rather purchase them from a professional store, the same should be true (or can be true) with our food. Why should we try and cook our own food, when it would taste much better if we leave it to the pros. Now there are many counter-arguments to this line of reasoning, but it works pretty well in my individual case, b/c I would be a terrible cook. I once tried to make eggs, and they just stuck to the pan. Maybe its because i forgot oil or something. So for someone like me, it makes sense to leave cooking to the pros. As a side note, I do know of a woman who makes her own clothes for her family instead of buying them from a store. I do not condone this behavior.

Another thing I hear from people is that girls will like me better, or it would be a great quality to have to know how to cook for the dames I am taking out on dates. I don't like hearing this at all, even if it may be completely true. I don't like to think about what these dates would be like, b/c I associate them with candle-lit dinners, and where am I gonna get candle sticks? Also, do i really want to date a girl who wants me to cook her big plates of spaghetti or pasta or whatever it is you people like to eat? Does anyone want to date this spaghetti-wanting type? NO- none of us do; in fact, we'd probably just want the opposite, for the girls to make us big meals of steaks, and then to cut them for us and feed it into our mouths like Julius Ceaser gets fed from his servants. So what I am really doing by refusing to cook is coming to terms with the truth and being honest about myself and my wants. And honesty is the best policy... or maybe not, being that I am single.