The Fades Rant

I'm the Fades, and I rant b/c i have some time to. I dont know..i'll talk about many things on this blog. Religion, girls, life. Thats about it. So really, I'll talk about 3 things.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

stressful things that shouldn't be stressful

Many people have been wondering if this rant was dead, and I thought it was, but alas! I have decided to once again post some bizzare, angry, and incoherent thoughts about nothing in particular. ..

There are three things that I am constantly thinking about now that school is out (for summmmahhhh) and work has yet to begin. I am in the midst of what should be a 2 week worry-free vacation, but instead I am torturing myself with constantly thinking about these 3 topics, yet doing very little to handle them.

1) Buying clothes so that I look like a normal human being at work:

A couple weeks ago, the law firm that is employing me sent me a whole letter about which clothes are OK and which clothes are not OK. The firm has a "business casual" dress code, and of course that leaves lots of room for interpretation. Most of the things on this list really only applied to girls- such as no halter tops, or tube tops, or tank tops...or is it tang-tops. Whatever. Does any male actually know the difference between these three similar types of tops? As for things on the list that applied to me, they said that sideburns and facial hair should be kept trim and neat, which practically means that I will spend 282 hours in the mirror trying to make sure that my side burns are aligned perfectly. Of course, who are we kidding here- I'm using an electric shaver, and there will always be that one hair left on the face, and I expect a partner to come up to me and rip it out, and then spit in my face and fire me on the spot.
And what is with this whole business casual dress code anyway...I wish that the "casual" level of doing things also applied to the quality of work we can do. I'll do some crappy job on my first memo and spill some coffee on it, maybe wrinkle up the pages a bit, and hand it in to the partner. He'll say..Great Job Sunny Boy...this is a very casual level of work, It is not excellent, it appears that you just casually did it while looking at boxscores on espn. Great!" In Jewish circles, I would refer to this as the "B'dieved standard of work". It should be implemented immedietly.

2) Moving out of my apt in Philly:
This is a pain in the A. I have some great qualities (at least that is what my Mom tells me), but one of them is not my physical strength. I do sometimes go to a gym and lift 15 pd. weights, but that is about it. Therefore, it might be quite difficult for me to figure out how to move 2 beds, 1 dresser, 1 night table, 1 book shelf, and 1 desk out of my mice-infested craphole. I need to find another person to move this stuff with me, so if any of you out there are interested, I will pay some good cash. Well, probably only 100 bucks. But that might be good cash to some of my poverty stricken readers. Some people have suggested that I just find a man on the street and offer him money to help me move. That suggestion makes me uncomfortable. Do you want to know why? I don't care if you do. The reason is b/c most of the "street folk" in Western Philadelphia are of african american descent. Once I start asking them to move my heavy furniture I will begin to feel much like a slave driver, especially if they start singing ancient african tunes. Now, I would pay them after the task is over, but I would still feel quite racist, and I dont want to feel racist, b/c then I am worried that the african americans will sense that I feel racist and actually label me as one. And then they will surrond me and beat me. This is much the same way I feel when I ask for "dark meat" at the lines in the Hillel in UPENN. The workers are black, and I always try to ask for a "bottom" or a "leg" or a "thigh". But they somehow never understand what I am saying until i am forced to say "DARK MEAT...just like the color of your skin!!!" And then it is just a bad scene man. Trust me.

3)Apartment searching in NYC.
This is an even bigger pain in the A, but I seem to have found a place for a decent price. The furniture situation is a little rough, but I think it will all work out just great! or not. probably not actually. In any event, this apartment searching business has just turned me into an animal of sorts. An apartment hunting animal. To demonstrate the negative impact that this has had on my normally pristine middos... I recently contacted a lady about getting her studio for the summer in the upper west side. She was charging a hefty amount, but it was a good location and i was willing to take it. Then she told me that the reason she is subletting is b/c she is going to the hospital and will probably return by June 3oth. She also said that it could be a longer stay or she could move in with her mother for a bit of time while I stayed in her studio. My response to this was the following:
"Man, I really hope this lady stays in the hospital for a long time, so i could get this studio."
Woe is me! BUt it is not me that is evil, it is the apartment searching game that has turned me into this. Woe is the apartment searching!


  • At 10:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The following answer has been sent in by a female I know named kara...she writes the following :i'd like to clarify: you were right the first time, it is tank top, and the difference: halter top has a strap around the neck (most similar to a bikini top), tube top has no straps whatsoever, the kind that it is most difficult to keep up and it is necessary to pull at it all day, and tank top is the most well known kind, the standard tankwith no sleeves, just shoulder straps (there are subtypes of these too with different sizes of straps such as spaghetti and whatnot but we'll save that for a diff night)

  • At 12:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    baruch hashem that the fades is back. i honestly felt lost w/o your wise words!!

  • At 9:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Fades, if you just open up a pack of mentos, and smile at no one in particular all your problems will solve themselves.

  • At 9:51 AM, Anonymous ja said…

    your problems are just starting buddy. Wait till I make you go out drinking with me every night. B'dieved work for sure.

  • At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I thought I was the only one who is left with one hair on my face after an electric shave...who woulda though that someone else shares my woes...


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