the history of pathetic violence

Right now I am in LA for spring break, and I gotta tell you people - it's nothing like the OC or Beverly Hills 90210 or Melrose Place or any other show that portrays LA as this mystical hedonistic city. So far, all I see are fat women and kosher restraurants, and fat women in kosher restaurants. Basically, it is the five towns with warmer weather, at least where I am staying.

Lucky for you people, this is not the topic of the rant. Also, I am eating "sea salt and vinegar" kettle chips right now, which cost 3.00 at the hotel store. This is b/c my mom made me 4 sandwiches (1 tuna, 1 egg salad, and 2 deli) which I have already eaten. Yes, I am 23 years old and my Mom made me four sandwiches. This means it is time to get married. Additionally, why did my mom put turkey in the deli sandwiches??? Was this her way of trying to send me some type of "health" message and saying that "yes, you can have 2 deli sanwiches, but I'm gonna screw you over and put some turkey in them so that you cannot enjoy it like you would if it was just a juicy plump pure pastrami sandwich? Is this the first ever pastrami/turkey combo sandwich!!! Am I over-analyzing this?

BUt ALAS, this turkey dillema is also not the topic of this rant. Tonight, I have a specific agenda, and that is to discuss my violent past. You see, last Wednesday night I was at my weekly basketball game for subpar-mediocre (At best) Jewish players in the Philadelphia area, and there was a violent outburst from one of the players. There had been bickering all game about fouls and what-not, and finally it culminated with this particular individual "losing his cool". He let out an expletive-laced tirade and also threatened to do physical harm to 2 of my pals. I tried to restrain him for a bit, but quickly realized that I would much rather sit back and enjoy a potentially entertaining physical conflict. Unfortunately, this animal left before any actual physical harm would ensue. The point is that I probably spelled "ensue" wrong. BUt that is not the real point. The point is that it made me think of a timeline of violent incidences that I have been involved with.

1984 or maybe 1985: I was 2 or 3 years old and having a nice play-date with Joe Greene. What do 2/3 year olds do on these "play-dates" by the way? It is probably very boring. I guess I realized this back then, and I decided to take a bite out of poor Joe's stomach, thinking this would bring some excitment to the play-date. Basically, I was worse than Mike Tyson, and Joe didn't see this one coming. I still feel bad about this right now, and I constantly offer Joe to take a bite out of my stomach as a sorta "midah k'neged midah", but he consistently declines. I guess it would be awkward, and slightly gay.

Senior year of high school, 2000: We used to play basketball on Fridays with the Rabbis, and things were always heated, but never went overboard. One time this tall Persian 11th grader started insulting one of my pals. This is a guy that I would always insult and make fun of also, but it's ok, b/c he was my friend. Suddenly, when this 11th grader was doing it, it was no longer OK. I gave him a few warnings to shut his trap, but the insults continued. Then things pushed me over the edge. He started talking trash to the Rabbis and threw an expletive in their direction. That was it for me. I lunged at this taller fellow and scratched his face/ripped his shirt. Note that this is how I decided to fight- "scratching". I am a female. After 43 people separated us, 2 different Rabbis backed me into a corner and screamed at me. One kept saying "STOP IT, DON'T USE SUCH LANGUAGE, STOP FIGHTNG", but the other one curiously said things like " YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! STANDING UP FOR YOUR RABBIS! YOU ARE A ZEALOT LIKE PINCHAS!! AND THAT BOY IS ZIMRI." strange.

Summer of 2000: A low moment in my violent history. I had this camper who was slightly "off" and we had a love/hate type relationship. This kid was a big boy and he would often jump on me and get overly aggresive. One time he kept jumping on me and I told him he must stop or I will beat the crap out of him. He then took my kippah and threw it into the pool. Now, this was a damn good Kippah, so I was forced to punch him in the face. His glasses scratched his face, and he laid flat on the floor bleeding. The head counseler of camp's wife saw me punch the kid and told me I was going to be kicked out immedietly. Then the head counselor told me to go back to my bunk, and that was all. I wasn't kicked out and I don't really know why. All I know is that it felt good to knock a kid out like that.