The club/bar distinction

Did I ever tell you all how much I hate "clubs"? Furthermore, have I ever told you all how much I love "bars"? I wonder how many people out there have a similar love/hate distinction for two somewhat similar concepts. But the truth is, clubs and bars are not similar at all and here is why:

Lets begin with clubs, because I don't know if there is anything I hate more besides comedy clubs. And I only hate comedy clubs b/c the comedians there are so dirty and it makes me uncomfortable if there are girls at my table. B/c either way it's weird: If I laugh at the sick jokes the guy is telling, the girls at the table think I am a real pervert, and if I don't laugh I can see that the girls are thinking "Does Ari even get that joke?...probably not, he doesn't understand anything sexually related b/c he is challenged when it comes to physical intimacy issues." I may be reading too much into this, but I really hate the dirty comedians.

Anyway, back to clubs in general- there are so many things about them that get me angry. The first time I went "clubbing" was as a senior in high school, and I remember going with a few friends to Banana Republic to buy "clubbing clothes"...otherwise known as "clothes that make you look like a big homo." Basically, the tighter the shirt, the more club-worthy it is, and unfortanetly, for us guys, the same goes for pants. In addition, you have to get all this hair gel and slick back your hair so that you look as syrian as possible. Truth is, I still do this on Shabbos, so maybe that part of the clubbing ritual is acceptable. But only b/c I do it.

The worst part about the clubbing dress code is that if you try to wear a hat the big bouncer men tell you to remove it. I always go through the same garbage with these guys. I take off my hat at the door when they inevitably ask me to, and then I put it back on as soon as I am back inside. Then, 20 minutes later, another big black guy comes over to me with a flashlight, like he is sherlock holmes or something, and tells me to take off my hat again. This process usually repeats itself 4-5 times, until I am escorted out of the establishment. I guess "clubs" can have the right to set their own dress codes, but it seems a bit unfair to me. If a Jew is wearing a kippah they would not tell him to take it off, so why should I be prohibited from wearing my baseball caps? I bet that if I made a whole big deal about this next time it happened, I could turn it into a big "freedom of religion" constitutional law debate.

The dress code gayness is just the beginning of my clubbing misery. Inside of the club= total disaster. First of all, you got this loud terrible music blasting, so you cannot have a normal conversation with anyone. Either you can try to shout over the music and repeat each sentence you say 6 times, after the person says "What?" over and over again OR you can lean really close to the people and say it in their ear. But that is even more bizzare b/c if it's a guy, you feel like you are dangerously close to licking his ear, and if it's a girl you are paranoid about having bad breath or alcohol or breath which I guess is the same thing. So communication is a major problem.

I guess the reason communication is a problem is because the ikkar of clubbing is to dance, and not to talk. If this was "ballroom dancing" or the cool dancing that they did in "Grease", I would have no objective problem with this type of activity. (Personally, I'm not gonna dance at all ever, but that is not for this public fades rant forum). But, what actually goes on at the "clubs" is the "grinding": 2 people or more rubbing up against eachother like Will Ferrel and Chris Kattan did in Roxbury Brothers skits and amazing movie. For various reasons, I am against this grinding, but my main question for the men out there is what happens if you get "excited" during this activity? Isn't that really awkward for you and the lady? I guess maybe these experienced grinders are so used to this type of thing, that it doesn't excite them at all. I cannot really think of any other possible explanations.

So you can see why I hate clubs. Bars, on the other hand, are everything that clubs aren't. Bars are for groups of friends to go out and communicate with one another while enjoying a moderate amount of alcoholic beverages. At bars you can wear your hat or anything else you want to wear, and no one will tell you to remove it. At bars, there are jukeboxes where you can pick normal good music, or there is good live music. At bars, there is no "grinding", just conversing.
And at sports bars you can even watch sports while enjoying a beverage. And so I think when people say that going to bars and clubs is "not proper" or not "frum" or whatever...a real fine distinction should be made: Clubs = Assur, Bars = patur aval assur. Thank you.