The Lactose Intolerance

The following story is completely true, only the details have been changed dramatically for comedic effect:

About 2 weeks ago I was on a "date" and I was starving so I decided that we should go out and eat dinner. Notice that I made a unilateral decision here, and it didn't matter to me what the female's opinion was. The bottom line is that I was starving and so therefore we would be eating a meal of some sort. This shows that I am a selfish person who fails to take account of other people's wants, needs, and feelings. Maybe I am being too hard on myself, but I like to pretend that I am a therapist sometimes, and that I am also my own patient. So therefore, if I was acting as "Fades the therapist", I would tell "fades the mental patient" that maybe he is too selfish sometimes. Anyway, we went to look for dinner...

My first choice was Sushi Mitzuyan, but of course I didn't make a reservation or anything. We got there and it was a 45 minute wait, which is longer than I will wait for a meal when I am starving. Compare this , if you will, to the lines you would be willing to wait on at amusement parks. I have definetly waited over an hour for some roller-coasters and water rides, especially the ones where you get to go in a tube with lots of people together; the best is when you are in camp and you go with girls and guys together, and then the tube bounces around and then maybe you can make some incidental contact. Anyway, I think a new rule can be stated here: A reasonable person will wait up to twice the amount of time for a 30 second amusement park ride than he/she will wait for a decent meal. This rule makes sense only if you are starving, but if ure not so hungry maybe you will wait longer for food. Also if you are starving while waiting on the amusement park line you might be forced to leave the line and go get one of those non-kosher turkey legs that everyone walks around eating like sick animals. Or you can just take a bite out of a fat lady's thigh if she is online, but that is only if you are a cannibal.

So getting back to this whole "date", we decided to go to Central perk and eat dairy, which I wasn't too excited about, b/c I love eating meat, and I was looking forward to "sushi mitzuyan" in particular. By the way- does this place get too much credit? I went there two nights ago with a male companion of mine, and this time we made reservations, yet we still had to wait for 20 minutes. As Seinfeld would say "they know how to take the reservations, but not how to hold the reservations" or something like that. Some other problems with sushi mitzuyan include the fact that my male companion ordered some type of weird sushi that had peanuts AND mangos in it! Ok that is maybe the grossest thing I have ever seen. Apparently, we can now pick any 2 or 3 foods and wrap them in seaweed and rice and its gourmet and we'll pay 10 bucks for it. Makes a lot of sense. Umm..what kinda sushi you got there, sir? Oh- this is the pear and jelly and mock-crab roll! (Is it right that there are these fish going around mocking crabs!!) What a true delight! I am a psycho path. So to summarize my criticisms of sushi-mitzuyan : 1) they don't treat the reservations with respect 2) they make gross sushi with peanuts in it. Oh, and 3) they have tables right on top of each other so that you can be sitting next to 2 complete strangers and if they sneeze it can even hit your food. But this can also be good, b/c you can have fake conversations about homosexualityt and heroine with your friend, and watch as the people next to you give you horrified glances. (hey people, you shouldn't be eavsdropping)

Anyway, we ended up eating dairy at Central Perk, and the food there is pretty good. I got mozzeralla stix (same spelling as everyone's favorite pesach treat "potatoe stix") and a tuna melt which was impossible to eat without looking like a gross animal. I gotta say this place makes excellent mozzeralla stix, and the cheese was melted completely in the middle, whereas most other places screw this part up. All in all, it was a pretty pretty pretty good meal.

But almost immedietly after reciting "grace after meals", I regreted my decision to order not 1, but 2 cheese-oriented items. I felt my the angry wrath of my bowels and started walking in a weird manner and making some strange faces. The bottom line is that I really had to go to the bathroom and there was no stopping the ultra-quick fades metabolism. I tried to stop the process but it kept coming back, so I told the dame i was with that "I wasn't feeling too well, and had to go home". The truth is I never even made it home. I made in my pants. No- that is not true, but I did have to go to some fans of the fades rant to use their restroom. I almost did lose control, however, when I got to the house and the dog charged me to smell me for 5 minutes. I was scared and it was a very close call, my friends...verrrrrrry close.

So whats the moral of the story? There obviously is none, b/c this is really just a "mashal". What is the "nimshal"? I represent "am yisroel", and the king in the story represents "Hashem", and the tuna melt is Yerushalyim.

In all seriousness, I am left asking myself "AM I LACTOSE INTOLERANT"? I don't think I am, I think I just ate too much cheese in too fast a time span. I can tolerate lactose, just like America tolerates the Jews. But too much lactose and I will be forced to expunge it. Ok so maybe there is a "nimshal" to this whole thing after all, but I'll let you all figure that out.