the restaurant enemy

Last night at 12:45 am, I ate a package of pastrami and drank grape juice. While this may be very disturbing, I must remind you that today is "purim katan" , so my festive meal last night was warranted. Furthermore, it would be appropriate for all of us to have some type of celebration today, unless you are from Shushan...then u should have the celebration tommorow. But since this is Purim Katan, the celebration should be less than the one that will occur in 1 month. So, instead of wearing a costume, just wear a funny hat. Or instead of drinking 2 bottles of wine, just drink 1. You get the idea. And b/c this is purim, this RANT will be extra wacky.

Lets continue to discuss the 5 towns, a very important topic. Now, I had the pleasure of meeting my friend Yoni Rosenblatt for brunch on sunday, who is 8 feet tall. Yoni was bothered by the fact that all meetings among friends, family, etc. has to be over a meal. I would like to express my agreement with Yoni on this puzzling issue. Think about any time you have met someone recently. There always has to be some type of meal involved. Did I just eat dinner in my house? Yes. Doesn't matter- i am forced to now go to another meal and force myself to order more food. Maybe guys love to meet for meals b/c there are no girls around, and we can finally eat with our hands and drink the soup straight from the bowl. And I would say the same would apply to a bunch of girls meeting together for food. No more salad, lets go straight for the buffalo wings ladies.!!!! Nevertheless, the insistence on meeting over a meal is still strange. Maybe, there is simply no other meeting places available, and there is simply no other choice.

Anyway, we were supposed to meet for "brunch", which I have never done b/c sunday morning is reserved for the heralded "post-minyan" nap. Everyone knows the famous passage from Chronicles of the Fades: "Happy is he who experiences the post-minyan nap, for he is both physically and spiritually satisfied." But this sunday was reserved for a brunch and by 10:45 we were ready to eat. So here is my question...if a restaruant serves omelettes and waffles, what time would u expect it to be open? 24 hours? not likely for a kosher establishment. 8 AM? maybe. 9? for sure. But here we were outside this place, and it was not yet open at 10:45. strange s.

Delay of the meal forces us to Judaica store. This place is awesome b/c you can listen to the latest jewish music on earphones. People reading this should check out this band "mizrach", which i heard on the earphones. Amazing. The lead singer is very handsome, as well.

And now, we are finally ready to eat our brunch. We get a table for 2, and I feel like I am on a date with another man, who is twice my height. A heavyset fellow is hovering around us and throws 2 menus at us angrily. He continues to hover , and finally drifts elsewhere. Yoni whispers to me "that guy is my enemy", but offers no further explanation. I am about to continue the discussion, but the enemy is back, hovering over us in a menacing fashion. Feeling pressure to order quickly, I order the soup in a bread bowl, and realize i have been tricked into washing. Enemy tries to grab the menus away from us, but we tell him we still haven't ordered our main meal. Enemy makes an odd motion with a clenched fist, and goes to harass some other costumers. Luckily, we had a great waiter, who was wearing his tzitis out w/ jeans (the cave dress code), so we wanted to give him a good tip. We left it in the little book they give u, and started to bench. Big mistake. Enemy quickly came back and swiped the book up in his talons. No tip for the waiter. Enemy wins again.

I'll never understand people like the enemy, who seem to be angry at people for coming to their restaurant and paying for a meal. There is an enemy at a pizza shop near me, who also gets angry when you order from him, and mocks you no matter what you order. I guess we just can never understand the enemy, thats part of what makes him so evil. But its purim katan today, so dont worry about the enemy right now. Dont worry about the angry people walking around and permeating every place we try to go and eat soup out of a bowl made of bread. Dont worry about the negativity. Remember Haman was probably gay. Chag Purim katan sameach.