Free Menorah give away!

I had 2 finals in the past 2 days (thursday december something and friday december somethign), so I have had little or no time to prepare for the chanukah festival, or Hanukah festival, as I like to call it when I am talking to gentiles, which is never. I don't know why I felt the need to announce to everyone just now that I just had 2 finals in the past 2 days. Are people supposed to feel bad for me b/c of this terrible burden? I'm sorry I mentioned the finals.

In any event, I was not prepared for the holiday, which meant I had no menorah, no candles to light said menorah, and no latkes to eat. Are latkes really an essential part of the holiday, on par with the menorah, you may be asking yourself? Well my grandfather told me today on the phone that he read an article comparing the different holidays that come around this time of year, and that the article described chanukah as the "time jews eat latkes". This shouldn't be confused with the time jews eat kugel, gefilte fish, or even farfel. Is farfel a jewish word or generic secular term? I always wanted to know that. What about kasha varnishkas? If i walk into foodtown (is foodtown still in existence), and I proclaim that I am in search of kasha varnishkas will they know what I am referring to? But back to this newsday article- it compared the different holidays- and there are 3 you should know. Besides chris'smas and hanukah, there is also kwanza, which to my understanding is hanukah for african americans. here is my question, fellow americans who are also african...are white people allowed to celebrate kwanza?? If so, what is the process by which I can accept kwanza upon myself. Furthermore, are there in fact any white people that do celebrate kwanza. If so, where can i find such a person? Of course, if i did try to celebrate kwanza, i would have a potential problem with my own judaic practices, b/c this might be considered idol worship. I will therefore, look up kwanza on wikipedia, decide if i can take it upon myself without being an idol worship, and then attempt to become the first white male kwanza observer.

The good news is (not sure where the bad news was) that the Hillel house in Upenn had free menorahs and candles to give away for lighting purposes. When I heard this announcment, i quickly took all 150 sets, and sold them 2 days later for a nice profit. I'm the grinch that stole chanukah, but not really...b/c i'm not green. Joe greene, on the other hand, could potentially be the grinch that stole chanukah, but only if he in fact does something corrupt like taking all the free candles and selling them at a premium. But is this even corrupt...isnt this pure economics, the invisible hand at work, whatever the hell...The answer is that I dont care about economic theory and either should you.

The weird thing about this hillel free menorah give away thing (besides from the last paragraph) is that the candles they give away only burn for 20 minutes. I know that is halachically problematic- either on fri night or on all nights, but I'm not sure which. They sent out a guideline packet but I am too lazy to read through it. So basically what the hillel is saying is as follows: We will let you almost perform the lighting mitzvah for free! But if you want to actually fulfill it in a valid manner you will have to pay an additional 2 dollars for longer lasting candles.
This would never stand in the Shammai house, Abba.

Anyway this all reminds me of that story where the Vilna Gaon was on his deathbed, and remarked how great this world is b/c you can pay just a few cents, or kopecks rather, to purchase a mitzvah, and share of "olam Habah". Well, in this case it is 2 dollars b/c of inflation, but you get the idea.

I'm not sure why so many stories involving great pious men involve a deathbed.