The Fades Rant

I'm the Fades, and I rant b/c i have some time to. I dont know..i'll talk about many things on this blog. Religion, girls, life. Thats about it. So really, I'll talk about 3 things.

Monday, November 20, 2006

My poor attempt to copy Bill Simmons' diary idea

For those of you who don't read Bill Simmons of's "page 2", you probably don't understand the title of this Rant, and you probably do not enjoy sports at all. (or, you might in fact enjoy sports, but not have a sense of humor). In any event, one thing Bill Simmons does on occasion is keep a diary while watching different sporting events. I always found this to be one of the most entertaining things he does, so I figured, why not copy it. Here goes nothing...

It is Monday night football, and the Giants are playing the Jaguars. It is currently the 3rd quarter, so let me summarize some of the things that have happened so far.

Before the game, I was at my friend "Av" and we played Madden o7. I used the Giants and he used another team I cannot remember. He beat me by a small margin, and said "I hope that doesn't happen to the real giants tonight". Strangely, it seems like that will actually happen. Voodoo s.

Another thing I noticed before the game is that Chris Berman's hair is very terrrible. Its not just a combover, but a combover plus. He has like a big bush of hair blowing in the wind behind his comb over and it is bizzare. If I end up going bald, I will choose to avoid that fate and instead just suck it up or shave my head completely. I mean, suck it up AND shave my head completely. Sometimes the word "eem" in the Torah can mean 4 different things according to rashi, but the word OR cannot mean the word AND,which is why I fealt the need to correct the previous sentence. This ain't no Torah, despite what you loyal readers may think. A final thought on baldness is the "toupee". I think the key to wearing the toupee or however the hell you spell it, is not simply to get a great toupee (that goes without saying), but to make the toupee switch early on in the terrible "going-bald" process. Then, once u make that early bold decision ,your friends can make a party and roast you, and then just get used to it. 10 years down the road, people will only make fun of it behind your back. I know some friends that are going bald, but they have already missed this "switch to the toupee" deadline. Good luck guys.

Another thing that happened during this first half, is my friend and one time sleep partner "meir" sent me a text message, saying that it seems like the Giants play alot of night games. He is a Pats fan, so his team is very boring. But so are the Giants, so I think his point is : why should all of America have to sit through so many nationally televised (and boring) Giants games? The answer probably has something to do with allowing me to spend my sunday's watching all my fantasy football players while shifting the focus purely to the Giants for my night games. In reality, of course, this game I am watching right now has huge fantasy implications as well. I am down 7 points to some dude, and I have eli manning, and he has no one. Basically, I should win...and I think I already have. No one even knows what I am talking about right now. When you tell someone else (presumably a straight male) about your fantasy team, you think it is the most exciting thing ever. Then when some dude tells you that he just made a great trade for joe borowski, you think to yourself "I dont give a damn loser...shut up and pass me the diet wild cherry pepsi". It is the same thing as discussing your dreams with someone else...jim gaffigan discusses this in his comedy routine. Great. Now I am stealing from both Bill Simmons and Jim Gaffigan. Now there are 2 guys I'd like to meet in a pub. And Chuck Klosterman. And Chaninah Ben Dosah. He'd turn all the beer into flax.

So, the Giants are playing in Jacksonville, and the mascot for these Jaguars is a large yellow creature of some sort. I'm happy the Giants don't have any mascots (or even one) , b/c most mascots are stupid and irrelevant. But if the Giants were to get a mascot for some absurd reason, I would want it to be named Gino the Giant. I would want this mascot to be a real actual giant, preferably the one that played Carl in the amazing and emotional "Big Fish". If not, I would choose Yao Ming. Could you imagine that? IF Yao Ming was on the Rockets, but in his spare time, he would be a mascot for an NFL franchise. Would that count as being a "2 sports-star"? Are any females still reading this?

One thing the fat yellow Jaguar mascot keeps doing is after the Giants make a FG or extra point, he stands under the goal post and waives the "no good" sign. This is dishonest, as the FG clearly goes through the uprights. He is also guilty of mocking the refs and trying to cause machlokes on the field. The Jaguars mascot has bad middos, but as a "rasha" will be awarded in this world, thus helping the Jaguars beat the Giants tonight. And yes, that is a pessimistic fan's prediction. Its the 4th I will now turn my whole focus to the TV. After the game (and inevitable Giants defeat) I will continue with some final thoughts.

After the game...

Crap, I was right. I didn't really think they were going to lose, but I thought that if I write that it will become some type of reverse jinx or hex, and that they would actually win. I actually do believe in this type of reverse s, but I cannot tell you why. Anyway, Giants played like crap, so they deserve this loss.

In more important news, I just watched the video of Michael Richards' racist tirade on youtube. I also just saw his apology on Letterman, and this is some entertaining stuff. I personally think this all just shtick, like Andy Kaufman, b/c that is the only way Richards can save his dying career. Good move by him doing this Kaufman-esque shtick.

Good night.


  • At 11:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hi Fades, just wanted to say that I, homer j. anonymous, very much approve of your gaffigan-inspired dreams:fantasy sports analogy.

  • At 6:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    how's law school?


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