Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

I would like to relay to you a strange bathroom incident that occured at my place of work. As a matter of background, we have 3 bathrooms on our floor: The Mens' room, the Ladies' room and the handicapped person's room. For some reason, instead of giving the handicapped person the right to one particular stall in the non-handicapped bathrooms, the designers of our office bathrooms elected to give the handicapped person his or her own individual private bathroom. Perhaps this is meant to accomodate the shy, reclusive and handicapped demographic. In general, I use the Mens' room. I have never used the Ladies' room. If I am at work late or on the weekends, I sometimes use the private handicapped room, but I won't do this when other people are around because I am afraid that I will get busted. Is using the handicapped bathroom an "ayin harah" or 'evil eye", akin to testing out somebody's wheelchair or crutches or pretending to be blind while playing a piano? Maybe. Is mentioning this point tempting the "evil eye" even more? Certainly.

After reading the previous paragraph, you may be thinking - "how often does this guy go to the bathroom"?!? The answer is many times. I go whenever I am bored or whenver I need to concentrate on some work-related or sports-related reading. I once went to take a nap. This was fine, except that I needed to lower my pants so that nobody would question why someone was sitting in a stall for 2 hours without his pants lowered. Would anyone actually investigate this to the point where they would question it? Unlikely, but one can never be too careful.

I know plenty of people that are afraid or uncomfortable using public restroom facilities. They will only use the friendly confines of their bathroom at home. I am the polar opposite of these persons; to me- the idea of going to the bathroom in public facilities is an adventure that makes life worth livin'. "Dangerous" places I have used the bathroom include: Crowded coach bus, Penn station (but used NJ transit facilities), Poland (during heritage), my wife's apartment before we started going out, Mexico (but it was at Club Med), and my office. Until recently, I did not think that there was any danger/risk in using the office bathrooms, but two recent occurences have changed my mind.

(1) The awkward encounter: We do not have separate bathrooms for partners and associates, so there is always the chance that one can encounter their boss in the restroom. Usually, this is a harmless meeting, which starts with "Hi" and ends with "how are you". However, things can sometimes get tricky, as they did recently for me. As mentioned earlier, I enjoy bringing work-related readings with me, so as to maximize my concentration and provide the best finished work product for clients. I had brought one of those "documents" with me and had placed it above the sink while I was washing both of my hands. In walks the parter and we exchange pleasantries. It should have ended there, but I decided to mention that this document was for him to review after I was done. Why did I do this? I will never know the answer, but I think it had something to do with wanting to fill the awkward conversation at the sink with something of substance. The partner was less than thrilled that I had decided to take the "documents" on a trip to the bathroom before they would end up on his desk. I wanted to make copies and let him know that I would not give him this bathroom-tainted version, but the damage was done and it was too late. I decided to give him the bathroom-tainted version, but I attached a note saying "this is not the copy that I took to the bathroom with me".

2) The surprise knock: During my morning trip to the office restroom, I was enjoying the silence, when a loud and urgent knock sounded against the main bathroom entrance. Had I accidentaly wondered to the private/handicapped restroom and not realized it? If not, why was someone knocking on a public restroom door. Should I yell "Come IN!"? I decided to remain calm and silent and awaited the surprise visitor. About 1 minute later, one of the cleaning guys came in to change the paper towels and what-not. I asked him if he was the unknown-knocker, but he did not habla english. Still puzzled by this incident 24 hours later, here is my analysis: Cleaning guy was indeed the unknown-knocker, and thought that he was entering the ladies' restroom. I know that at night, there is a cleaning lady, and she always knocks on the mens' room before entering (which makes sense). This cleaning guy was probably doing the same proper thing at what he thought was the ladies' room. Another bathroom mystery solved!

I hope that I have provided everyone with an incentive to give public restroom use a try. The adventures, mysteries and possibilities are endless. Tomorrow, I discuss the proper etiquitte for handling a bathroom walk-in.

A brief study of the various methods of transportation used by officers of the law in the city of new york (and what it means to you!)

Working in NYC, I always run into various policemen and policewomen. To cut down on writing the politically-correct "policemen or policewomen" over and over again throughout this post, I will simply use the gender-neutral phrase "cops" going forward. As a side note, would calling an officer a "pig" be considered to be a gender-neutral term - I don't know much about farm animals and their private parts, but I'm assuming there exists both female and male pigs, correct? Otherwise, how do we get piglets? In any event, calling them "pigs" is offensive for other reasons (not sure what those reasons are exactly), so we will stick with "cops".

Anyway I see these cops everywhere in the city and they come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes at the subway entrance, there are cops with machine guns and huge dogs. This is not from a video game, this is true. I guess they are more "bomb squad people" than cops, but I don't know where the line for "cops" ends and the line for "bomb squad people" begins. It probably has to do with taking an extra 6 month course in "bomb squadding", which mainly involves overcoming the fear that the giant dog will bite your face off.

Essentially, this is what I wanted to get to: How is the determination made as to what method of transportation a particular cop will be given? I'm assuming this critical determination/decision is made upon graduation from police academy, but strangely, nay, incredbily - not one of the various police academy films deal with this aspect of the police academy. In fact, all I remember about the police academy movies is that the first one has some brief nudity. I'm pretty sure we rented this when we were in 4th grade for this reason alone. I think the remainder of the police academy movies were all either PG-13 and PG, and thus lost out on the possibility for brief nudity (In general, PG-13 movies do not all for brief nudity. The only two known exceptions are Doc Hollywood and Titanic). Obviously, this led to the eventual downfall of the police academy movie franchise after 87 films.

But what really happens in the real-life police academy? I'm pretty certain it goes something like this: The police academy has rankings of all the graduating cops, just like we had in law school, or like they have in overly-competative highschools. The top tier of graduates are rewarded with cop cars and partners. This is obviously amazing because they get to travel around, turn on the sirens to scare people/get through traffic, stop for donuts - and do all of this with a friend (assuming that the top graduate cops are rewarded with a partner they get along with). This is perhaps best exemplified by the relationship and antics we are shown in the film "Superbad". The only problem is that I can't imagine that those two cops graduated at the top of their class, but maybe it was a rough year or a weak police academy class. Anyway, just as we see in the film, these guys have a great time and get to drive in circles while Van Halen blasts in the background. That is the reward for graduating at the top of the police academy class.

The middle-tier of cop graduates are given the option to take extra classes and become those weird cops that either drive the NYPD boats or fly the NYPD choppers. Who needs these guys? I guess one can make an argument that the plane-landing-in-the-Hudson River-incidents showed their possible utility, but I'm sure Capt. Sully could have done it all himself. Plus, there is the Coast Guard, so I don't see any use for these guys. But the second-tier of cop grads. are allowed the option so as to avoid the other (worse) alternatives available to the bottom-tier.

The bottom-tier of cop graduates are not given any method of transportation at all! Can you imagine this garbage? Their classmates are given a specific vehicle, while they are assigned to walk a "beat". The worst of the worst are forced to walk the beat in a dangerous neighborhood, while the best of the bottom-tier walk the subways and do random/boring checks of the subway cars. I guess they have to take public transportation to get home. Or maybe the top-tier cops pick them up and give rides, b/c the top-tier cops are also the nicest, just like the top-tier kids in highschool that are also nice.

Any centaurs that are in the police academy become cops on horses.