Finally, A guide for Mustard Users.
If you are anything like me, you have a huge butt, large stubby fingers and a tremendous bottom lip. Also, you adore mustard and insist on using with as many foods as possible. I've always enjoyed the many benefits of mustard, but my possible "over-using" of it was only recently brought to my attention, courtesy of my in-laws. Whenever we eat meals at their house (this usually occurs on the Sabbath), I insist on using mustard on most of the food items, and my mother in-law is now always prepared with a new bottle of Guldens spicy brown. Last time, I used the mustard on both chicken cutlets and a meat-pie type dish, drawing a mixture of ridicule and incredulity from the other peoples. This was the first time my use of mustard was called into question, and now I am wondering if I am using it for inapproriate foods (by which I mean foods that are not considered suitable to be dressed with mustard; i do not mean "inapproriate" in the sense that the food is shaped in a manner that brings inapproriate thoughts to the eater of said food, for indeed the "hotdog" is perhaps the most approriate of the mustard-foods).
The end result of all this self-analysis and questioning (which lasted for at least 1 minute at the time) was that I didn't care about my potential over-use of mustard. Instead, I want to help other mustard users with the problems we face, as a group. I am of course referring to the ever-growing problem of "Choice of Mustard". To put it simply, there are just way too many choices and varieties of mustard on the shelves of grocery stores everywhere. One solution is to petition grocery stores to eliminate some of these less-useful varieties, but this would take time and effort. Instead, I offer a simple guide to illustrate when various types of mustard should be purchased and used. I hope that my fellow mustard-users find this useful and that my non-fellow non-mustard-users will join us in our yellow delight.
1) Yellow Mustard: According to wikipedia, "Yellow mustard is the most commonly used mustard in the United States and Canada, where it is sometimes referred to simply as "regular mustard". I think it should be referred to as "crap mustard" or "mustard for poor people". Yellow mustard is a last resort and offers the weakest of the mustard flavors. Yellow mustard is more of a color than anything else; it is the equivalent of coloring your food with a yellow highlighter. Yellow mustard should only be used when there are no other viable options available. EXAMPLE: You are a guest at a meal and no mustard is on the table. You excuse yourself to check fridge and only see yellow mustard. DO NOT YET USE THIS MUSTARD. Make sure to also check garage and other possible storage places for possible better mustards. After performing complete examination of host's abode, proceed to use yellow mustard, but do not enjoy it.
2) Spicy Brown Mustard: Is there a plain brown mustard w/out the spicy involved? If so, I wouldn't trust it, but the Spicy Brown combo is a true delight. This should be every person's go-to mustard for the majority of food items. I believe that "Deli mustard" is the same as "spicy brown mustard" and this is no mistake my friends. The mustard makers are giving us a key clue by inserting the suggested mustard use as part of the mustard name. One thinks "This spicy brown mustard definetly looks like the best mustard, but how should I go about using it...what foods would be enhanced by the presence of this mustard?" The answer is on the label: DELI (or items similar to DELI by gezeirah shava). Of course, if "Deli Mustard" is not the same as "Spicy Brown Mustard", this entire paragraph is incorrect. Who cares though.
3) Honey Mustard: To be used as a flavoring in cooking (I am told), as a component of honey mustard tuna, or as a flavor for a variety of pretzel. If used as a cooking flavor, one should not be able to taste the actual honey-aspect of the mustard, b/c that would be gross. Now that I think about it, the entire Honey-Mustard concept is completely paradoxical, much like Barad, which contained fire AND ice! I personally try to avoid honey-mustards, but some folks seem to enjoy it. As a compromise, I would spicy brown honey mustard for use w/ meat items, but not plain honey mustard.
4) Grey Poupon: This is a brand and not a variety, but it deserves its own special category. The Grey Poupon is still reserved for the upper-class of mustard users, as was originally brought to our attention by the famous scene in Wayne's World. But you don't have to be a jerk to use grey poupon. Other explanations include: a) Amazing bottle shape: It comes in a huge wide-rimmed bottle, allowing you to scoop tons of it out at one time. b) Rich: You are rich and choose to spend too much money on mustard rather than less costly, yet equally delicious, alternatives.
5) Chinese mustard: This is to be used to kill oneself.
The end result of all this self-analysis and questioning (which lasted for at least 1 minute at the time) was that I didn't care about my potential over-use of mustard. Instead, I want to help other mustard users with the problems we face, as a group. I am of course referring to the ever-growing problem of "Choice of Mustard". To put it simply, there are just way too many choices and varieties of mustard on the shelves of grocery stores everywhere. One solution is to petition grocery stores to eliminate some of these less-useful varieties, but this would take time and effort. Instead, I offer a simple guide to illustrate when various types of mustard should be purchased and used. I hope that my fellow mustard-users find this useful and that my non-fellow non-mustard-users will join us in our yellow delight.
1) Yellow Mustard: According to wikipedia, "Yellow mustard is the most commonly used mustard in the United States and Canada, where it is sometimes referred to simply as "regular mustard". I think it should be referred to as "crap mustard" or "mustard for poor people". Yellow mustard is a last resort and offers the weakest of the mustard flavors. Yellow mustard is more of a color than anything else; it is the equivalent of coloring your food with a yellow highlighter. Yellow mustard should only be used when there are no other viable options available. EXAMPLE: You are a guest at a meal and no mustard is on the table. You excuse yourself to check fridge and only see yellow mustard. DO NOT YET USE THIS MUSTARD. Make sure to also check garage and other possible storage places for possible better mustards. After performing complete examination of host's abode, proceed to use yellow mustard, but do not enjoy it.
2) Spicy Brown Mustard: Is there a plain brown mustard w/out the spicy involved? If so, I wouldn't trust it, but the Spicy Brown combo is a true delight. This should be every person's go-to mustard for the majority of food items. I believe that "Deli mustard" is the same as "spicy brown mustard" and this is no mistake my friends. The mustard makers are giving us a key clue by inserting the suggested mustard use as part of the mustard name. One thinks "This spicy brown mustard definetly looks like the best mustard, but how should I go about using it...what foods would be enhanced by the presence of this mustard?" The answer is on the label: DELI (or items similar to DELI by gezeirah shava). Of course, if "Deli Mustard" is not the same as "Spicy Brown Mustard", this entire paragraph is incorrect. Who cares though.
3) Honey Mustard: To be used as a flavoring in cooking (I am told), as a component of honey mustard tuna, or as a flavor for a variety of pretzel. If used as a cooking flavor, one should not be able to taste the actual honey-aspect of the mustard, b/c that would be gross. Now that I think about it, the entire Honey-Mustard concept is completely paradoxical, much like Barad, which contained fire AND ice! I personally try to avoid honey-mustards, but some folks seem to enjoy it. As a compromise, I would spicy brown honey mustard for use w/ meat items, but not plain honey mustard.
4) Grey Poupon: This is a brand and not a variety, but it deserves its own special category. The Grey Poupon is still reserved for the upper-class of mustard users, as was originally brought to our attention by the famous scene in Wayne's World. But you don't have to be a jerk to use grey poupon. Other explanations include: a) Amazing bottle shape: It comes in a huge wide-rimmed bottle, allowing you to scoop tons of it out at one time. b) Rich: You are rich and choose to spend too much money on mustard rather than less costly, yet equally delicious, alternatives.
5) Chinese mustard: This is to be used to kill oneself.
posted by The Fades @ 8:09 AM
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