The Curious Case of the Overzealous Samaritan

Today, like every weekday morning, I took the NYC subway system to my place of work. As usual, the subway had its share of bizzare characters, events and sights. However, this time I was the unfortunate victim of a new type of strange subway character. I refer to the Overzealous Samaritan.

Overzealous is probably not the right description for this woman's behavior, but I am not sure if overimposing is a word. I will explain her behavior and then the dear readers can vote on the correct description. Text in your answers to American Idol.

Sometimes the subway cars make sudden stops and people without good balance can fall or stumble. I am one of those people without good balance. I wonder if this is directly tied to the fact that I am a terrible athlete. Is having a good center of balance a prerequisite to being a good athlete? Has there ever been a good athlete with vertigo? I always try to bend my knees and maintain a low center of gravity to prevent from any possible stumbling or falling, but I have no idea if this is actually an effective technique. The easiest way to conteract the possible dangers of subway stumbling is simply to grab hold of the handbars, but there are a number of problems with this technique. 1) Handbars are often not available to be grabbed on crowded cars; in that case it may be better to just allow yourself to fall into a fat person's cushiony belly. 2) Some are hesitant to touch handbars b/c of germs. I am not concerned with this b/c the subway is already one big germ bubble. This has been scientifically proven. 3) I prefer NOT to hold the handbars b/c it is more fun not to. Trying to keep your balance while a drunkard drives the train is about as fun as it gets on the way to work. If you fall, deduct 2 points. If you stumble, deduct 1 point. At the end of the month, compare your rankings with friends and win a free metro card.

Anyway, I was having my fun and living on the edge this morning, when the Overzealous Samaritan ("OS") felt the impulsive need to ruin everything. Keep in mind that I was also listening to my Ipod Nano-Nano on the highest of volumes, so as to possibly annoy as many other people as possible. This OS starts talking to me, but I try to ignore her. This works for about 5 seconds and then she starts tapping me. I have to now recognize her tappage and remove my headphones for what I expect to a message of some importance. Instead I get: "You have to hold on to the bar, otherwise you will fall". I understand that the OS behavior can be defended as genuine and other nice things, but I disagree. I think the OS oversteps her boundries by directing me to hold the bar. That is my personal choice. I also believe that part of what drives the OS behavior is a self-serving drive to feed the ego. This probably is not true in many OS cases, but it sure makes me feel better about being a much worse human being than these people.

The end of the Subway ride went like this: Obviously, I had to follow her instructions or else it would have been incredibly awkward and hostile between us for the remaining 6 minutes of the ride. You do not want to create an awkward and hostile tension with someone you will never see again, but have to spend 6 minutes standing next to.

"In what other situations can the OS strike"?, you ask yourself, with that voice in your head. Apparently, the OS has struck enough in the context of plane crashes, such that the airlines now have to warn us during the safety talk to first secure our own oxygen masks and then worry about other people. I understand a parent first trying to help a child with their oxygen mask, but this type of extreme benevolence is inexcusable in any other situation. Who are these people that feel the need to go around making sure everyone else can figure out the oxygen masks before actually making sure they will live? How good must a good Samaritan be! It sets the bar way too high for other good Samaritans, imposing on them a threshold of "Great Samaritans". This is not fair to society. If everyone feels compelled to be a Great Samaritan, we will lose our Good Samaritans. Is it not better to have many Good Samaritans than few Great Samaritans?!?

Well that was fun. I hate people like the OS. I hate people that would try to help me figure out the oxygen mask w/out first helping themself. The oxygen mask game is fun, just like the subway falling game. Let me just play on my own.

An analysis of early love interests (or "Shabbos walks")

In my last rant, I touched briefly upon the never-ending topic of the now defunct Camp Hillel. I could probably write an entire book about this place. Not the size of Uncle John's bathroom reader, but maybe like a 500 page paperback. Here is a glimpse of what a chapter would like...

When I think about past love interests or girls I have been maniaclly obsessed with, I always forget to include those first few girls from my days of Shabbos walking in Camp Hillel. Well, no more! I distinctly remember going on a set of shabbos walks with 3 different girls in Bunk 5 and Bunk6. These were the summers of 1993 and 1994, so I was 10 and 11 when these occurred. I will present a brief description of each wonderful lady, followed by the lessons I hope to glean from these memories. I hope that you all can join me in my gleaning. Identities will be protected for the sake of all involved.

1. Lady #1, Summer 1993, Bunk 5: I have no clue as to how this Shabbos walk came about. It must have been arranged by counselors or other campers, b/c I have no recollection of ever initiating a conversation with a girl until last year, when my secretary asked me why I never say good morning. Now, I initiate every day with a "Good Morning secretary!". Anyway, this llady #1 was no secretary. In fact, she is now an ultra-orthodox jewish woman that shaves her head. Scary stuff. I started the Shabbos walk by asking the following "go-to" questions. I would suggest that people dating for the first time also start their dates with these innocent tidbits: A) What is your favorite color? B) What is your favorite number? I do not recall either of her answers to these questions, but I do remember her burping in my face. I was grossed out but also intrigued by her carefree attitude. I told my parents of my Shabbos walk-success in a letter delivered by postal carriers (or perhaps, only one carrier), and word got back to the girl that I was talking too much about our escipades. She decided that one Shabbos walk was enough and promptly shaved her head in protest. THE LESSSONS: Respect a lady's privacy. Sometimes they are embarrased to be seen with you or for people to know that they are associated with you. You should respect their wishes and try to carry on a secretive relationship until they dump you. Additionally, if the lady answers your questions about numbers and colors, you should remember these answers. If her birthday comes, and you are still dating, you can get her a present based on her answers. If she said "10" and "yellow", simply get her 10 yellow balloons and call it a day.

2. Lady #2, Summer 1994, July, Bunk 6: This may be the first time I felt rejection and heartbreak. Specifically, I remember that my left ventricle was severely damaged. I remember being very satisfied with Lady # 2 and really looking forward to our next Shabbos walk (we did not talk during the week). We went on two shabbos walks, but I was then victimized by a nose picking incident. I had a menacing urge to pick my nose, so I went behind the stage curtain in the Camp Hillel social hall and went to town. Unfortunately for all parties involved, Lady #2 was able to see what I was doing and called off all future Shabbos walks (although I didn't find out that this was the reason until later). I cannot fathom why I didn't just pick my nose in a place where it was absolutely certain that nobody could see. Why not go to the bathroom? Maybe because the bathrooms in the social hall always had overflowed crap from the toilet on the floor. Or maybe it was just the sense of adventure that we all love. I'm a risk-taker and it was a huge risk to pick my nose behind a stage curtain...a risk that didn't pay off. To add insult to injury, I tried to win back Lady #2 by winning her a doll in Woodbourne. It is a miracle that I won the doll to begin with from one of those grabbing machines, but she did not accept my gift. Or, she might have accepted but laughed in my face upon accepting. Either way - bad result and no more Lady #2. THE LESSONS: No nose-picking or other bad habits in front of girls, this includes holding in gas until marriage/engagement/or reasonable comfort level reached. Furthermore, it is generally a bad idea to come begging back to the girl right after being dumped. If you do come begging back and decide to forfeit your manhood, it might not be prudent to offer her a green frog doll in the process.

3. Lady #3, Summer 1994, August, Bunk 6: This is an interesting one b/c it shows that I was somehow able to rebound from the nose-picking disaster and still find a lady to escort me around camp for those long August saturdays. Once again, we went on 2 shabbos walks and this lady wanted to kiss me as well. I remember being shocked and scared and denying all her advances. The summer ended without any physical contact and I went home as the same innocent boy that had arrived 2 months earlier. I'm sure my parents were proud. THE LESSONS: Not sure exactly, but I think the "big picture" lesson is the power of the rebound and the "Plenty of fish in the sea" attitude. I was embarrased and humiliated in July 94, and had to fight off a vixen's sexual advances (kiss on the (butt)cheek) in August 94. That is quite a rebound. Sure, the second girl was not around for July and probably never found out about my nose picking, but who cares. The Fades lived another day.

The Obama Pin

As all of my non-Amish readers know, Barak Obama was elected president in November 2008 and took office in January 2009. I'm assuming that Amish people know this as well, although I doubt I have any Amish readers and also have no clue as to how Amish people get their news. The news of Obama being president was probably reported by a "town crier" sort of fellow and was probably met with some skepticism. This is because I don't think there are any African Americans in Amish country (I visited there once 15 years ago, so my information is somewhat reliable), so the Amish have never seen an African American before. They probably think that the country is now being led by some other form of life and are preparing for a battle with old fashioned weaponry. They will lose (b/c we have newer and more-effective weapons). And if you are an Amish person and are reading this - tsk tsk. You are not allowed to use the computer, unless the rules have changed since I last visited your Amish country 15 years ago.

Anyway, we recall that the build-up and subsequent celebration surronding Obama's victory was huge. It was not uncommon to see many people on the New York City Subway system wearing Obama gear to pysche themselves up for the upcoming election and show support for their candidate. One would expect such gear to stop appearing after his victory, but today I still saw one lady wearing his pin on the subway. It had (brace yourselves) a picture of Obama and the words hope and change. I don't know why I felt the need to describe the actual pin.

My question is as follows: What is the time or event cut-off for wearing Obama-supportive gear? I will make a comparison to sports because it is all I know, and then give some alternatives based on that comparison:

When the NY Rangers won the Stanley Cup in 1994, this was a huge deal for New Yorkers. I was in 6th grade and didn't care about hockey. Since that time I have not cared about hockey. But during that playoff run and stanley cup victory, I cared about hockey. Everyone cared. I didn't have cable, but I sat next to my radio and listened to the games and watched the parade. I went to Modells b/c you gotta go to Mo's and I bought my obligatory NY Rangers Champions t-shirt. When I got to Camp Hillel that summer, I saw everyone else wearing that same t-shirt and it didn't surprise me at all. But when was the appropriate time to stop wearing that t-shirt? When I saw the Camp baker wearing it (3 sizes too small) in 2001, it felt like the celebration was long over. I was embarrased for the baker and I was embarrased for the NY Rangers. The last part isn't true, b/c I didn't care about hockey.

I think there are three alternatives for when to stop wearing the Obama pin:

1) Objective time-based cut-off. Not sure when this should be (1 year? 1 month?) so I guess it isn't objective. Obama himself should announce this time-frame in a press conference so that it becomes objective. He should say, "no wearing pins with my face on it starting April 1, 2009".

2) Until he starts sucking. You wouldn't want to wear the Rangers championship t-shirt if they started sucking (too lazy to research when they started sucking after 1994 and also realizing that "sucking" is somewhat of a vague term). Similarly, it would be awkward to wear the Obama pin if he started performing poorly as our president. Like if he made a rule on how many children we can have and threw extra babies down the river, you wouldn't want to be the guy wearing his pin, unless you live on said river and profit from baby-trading.

3) Until presidency ends. In the sports comparison, the NY Rangers were the Stanley Cup Champions until the next team became champions a year later. Obama is president until someone else is, so you can wear his pin every day lady.